Looks like we'll get a gander at George Romero's Land of the Dead sooner than October after all! June 24th is the new release date for this long, long, long awaited zombie epic. The youngster-friendly trailer isn't going to raise the dead, but it does provide the ill-informed a quick history lesson on the zombified greatness of Mr. Romero and affords Dennis "Lord of the Harvest" Hopper the opportunity to mug: "Zombies, man. They creep me out."

No publicity is bad publicity, right? Especially when you're Ms. Famous-for-Being-Famous-and-Diddling-Dudes-in-Night-Vision. Paris Hilton's high-tone New York publicist must think so too, because they recently farmed out this Stuff magazine gaffe as grist for their House of Wax push:

What kind of preparation did you do for this role?

I watched a lot of old horror movies.

Which ones?

I don't know. I forgot.

No doubt Ms. Hilton's impending podcast will be equally illuminating.

Just huzzah'd upcoming Napoleon Dynamite action figures, but there's a whole Sin City line already in stores. Hmmm. Ms. Alba's Nancy in color or black and white? Straight or flowing locks? Decisions, decisions. CineSchlockers may salivate just as freely over an 18-inch, talking Captain Spaulding. Even Toxie's gotten into the act. But maybe the most pleasant surprise of late is SOTA Toys' ode to Dog Soldiers!

Watchdogs at DVD Drive-In fear Sony's acquisition of MGM could threaten future releases of Midnite Movies. Hence this petition!

Leatherface. Jason. Freddy. ... Napoleon? Yep, Todd McFarlane, whose action figure skills matured with the Movie Maniacs we CineSchlockers cherish, is prepping a line of Napoleon Dynamite toys for the rapturous consumption of geeks this October. No concept images just yet, but fan faves Kip and El Presidente Pedro Sanchez have been tapped for immortalization in sculpted plastic alongside our moon-booted hero.

Ladies, those CineSchlockette Skivvies lonely in the lingerie drawer? Consider Hot Topic's ...

Fangoria's Weekend of Horrors is crawling back to its baby daddy for its first West Coast convention in two years. This being after a very public split with Creation Entertainment and a one-expo dalliance with New Jersey's Chiller Theatre organizers. Mark June 4-5 on those CineSchlocker calendars for a chance to hobnob in beauteous Burbank with Tobe Hooper, Wes Craven, Bruce Campbell, Rob Zombie, Jennifer Tilly, Lucky McKee, Mick Garris and the casts of The Devil's Rejects and 2001 Maniacs.

Later in June, Creation's also hosting the first dedicated hurrah for Sci-Fi's hit Battlestar Galactica retool. Meet Dr. Baltar, Starbuck, Apollo, Number Seven, President Roslin and other luminaries. Should be a fun preamble to the fast-tracked launch of Season 2 on July 15!

John Malkovich or Ron Jeremy? Ron Jeremy or John Malkovich? No question, right? Hedgehog it is! Well, in theory, anyway. Pornstar: The Legend of Ron Jeremy dropped the drawers on what it's really like to be who, until then, many an adult cinema enthusiast would've considered the luckiest man on terra firma. Wasn't the purtiest of pictures, oddly endearing as it was.

In inspired comedic contrast, this 38-minute scream trades exclusively on the fleshy fantasies we'd prefer to ascribe to Ron's career choice. Writer/director Brian Berke deadpans a sardonic street comedian whose porno obsession and sophomoric social skills ("If I guess your bra size, will you go on a date with me tonight?") actually serve each other when he discovers a boom-chicka-boom-boom portal into you know who's brainpan via a Venice Beach Triple-X parlor. Horndog hijinks naturally ensue!

What's surprising, however, is how laugh-out-loud funny this lovable lark proves to be. Ron Jeremy's self-deprecating, winking wit will never be more perfectly pitched, especially when paired with Andy Dick whom the film supposes is Ron's real-life "acting" coach. But Berke, perhaps thanks to his comedian pedigree, knows precisely when to exit the stage instead of milking his smartly spartan spoof into a feature-length bore. Yet Brian still manages to jiggle 19 breasts worth of porn starlets across the screen.

Seemingly aware of the need to counterbalance the flick's brevity, a bodacious bevy of extras fill out the presentation, including a 45-minute club appearance by Mr. Jeremy where fans are assailed by an opening salvo of vaudevillian yuks before delving Inside the Porn Actors Studio. Plus, there's nearly another hour of bonus footage, which if CineSchlockers were willing to admit, the most traversed would be interviews with adult sirens such as Teri Weigel, Kendra Jade, Gauge and Polish porn princess Alexandra Nice. What, no commentary?

4 of 5 stars

Highly Recommended Video: 2 Audio: 2.5 Extras: 3.5 Replay: 2

2003, 38 mins, 1.85:1 non-anam, DD 2.0, Ron Jeremy standup, Deleted scenes, Outtakes, Interviews, Behind-the-scenes footage, Trailer.

Found myself mesmerized by Joe Berlinger and Bruce Sinofsky's Metallica: Some Kind of Monster the other day. Haven't even the vaguest affection for metal, but like any great documentary, this strange journey into rock 'n' roll psyche was absolutely arresting. Due to my relatively recent obsession with Italian westerns, specifically those of Sergio Leone, the rock doc's climatic clamor of "The Ecstasy of Gold" so perked my ears that I finally snagged Ennio Morricone's score for The Good, The Bad and The Ugly from which the triumphant track was lifted. Pity Joe and Bruce's flick couldn't end in a Mexican standoff as well, eh?

Zack Snygg (a.k.a. John Bacchus a.k.a. Z. Winston Brown) just reminded me that, in addition to his aforementioned return to sexploitation spoofs, his next urban "Z" flick drops May 17. Zombiez follows Vampiyaz and Hood Copz.

Bruce Campbell, Roger Corman and Rob Zombie sit down for any CineSchlocker's dream din-din!!! Should be a hoot for all who can stomach IFC host Jon Favreau's nack for bringing talk back around to his own films: "Hey! I was in Rudy!"

Shazam! To think, all this nonsense began more than four years ago when CineSchlock-O-Rama sputtered into existence after my spending another year prior scrawling all manner of Z-list DVD reviews. Today, after a few weeks of flirtation via CineSchlock-O-Bloggage, I've decided to henceforth repackage my musings in bite-size blog form. Sure, there'll still be reviews. There'll be interviews and giveaways. Everthing you've come to expect from yours truly. But now, for better or worse, you'll be even more subject to my whims. If I think it's really, really, really cool John Bacchus and Michael Beckerman are reteaming to lens Lust in Space: The Erotic Witch Project IV, then by god, you'll hear about it! You've been warned, so no whining.

Yours truly both saw and meticulously videotaped every episode of The X-Files. As further evidence of my Poindexter prowess, in 1998, I actually plunked down $25 just to wander a rusty aircraft hanger with fellow "truth seekers" at the very first X-Files Expo. I even gutted through two seasons alongside Robert Patrick's woefully underappreciated Agent Doggett after David Duchovny got too goldern big for his britches. But do I own any X-Files season on DVD? Nope. How 'bout the movie? Um, no.

I did, however, pogo and "Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!" around my mailbox like Daffy Duck upon the arrival of The Lone Gunmen. Marginalized and maligned in FOX's 13-and-out midseason run, the spacey spinoff has since snuggled into genuine cult-within-a-cult status, making its relatively lavish digital debut a gleefully absurd example of TV-to-DVD's niche market potential.

While owning all 13 shows is an unexpected treat, if pressed, I'd gladly sacrifice 'em all for a single episode which perfectly encapsules the show's gloriously goofy raison d'etre -- its Revenge of the Nerds meets Mission: Impossible soul. That episode: "Planet of the Frohikes!" In it, the time-honored "1,000 Monkeys on 1,000 Typewriters" theory is put to the literal test in a secret government lab from which pops a precocious primate voiced by EDWARD WOODWARD!!!

The Gunmen, always in pursuit of an underground-journalism exclusive, naturally liberate said super-intelligent chimp who not only sounds like the guy from The Equalizer, but insists on being addressed as Simon White-Thatch Potentloins rather than his "slave name" Peanuts. For plot purposes, Mr. Potentloins also enlists their aid in thwarting an assassination attempt by Bobo -- his Russian counterpart. Uh huh, you read that right. Oh!!! Almost forgot the episode where Frohike has to ID a Nazi war criminal by ogling her wrinkly frau fanny!

Granted, the show wasn't all yuks, and in retrospect, could hardly get heavier than the pilot (or more out of tone), which depicts a now chilling plot to incite world war by plowing a jetliner into the World Trade Center. (For you conspiracy theorists and numerologists out there: The pilot originally aired March 4, 2001 -- 191 days before September 11, 2001. 1-9-1. 9-1-1. Ooooooooo!)

Unfortunately, chortles and cataclysmic foreshadowing aside, the spinoff premiered when even X-Files diehards were gasping their last. They'd endured Chris Carter's interminable conspiratorial shell games. Duchovny's despicable nose thumbing. So, tongue-in-cheek geek chic just wasn't going to mend those wounds, and for many, it only further exemplified how far from "the truth" the franchise had strayed. Hopefully, for those folks, with time comes renewed objectivity and a resensitized funny bone with which to revisit this giggle-wrought gem.

Longtime subscribers of The Lone Gunman and newcomers alike will also discover audio gold among this two-disc set's FIVE commentaries -- two by cast members Bruce Harwood (Byers), Dean Haglund (Langly), Tom Braidwood (Frohike), sidekick Stephen Snedden (Jimmy Bond) and Lara Croft knockoff Zuleikha Robinson (Yves), plus three more by the writing/production teams. This includes the bonus X-Files episode "Jump the Shark," which ties an overly morose bow around The Gunmen. Need a pick-me-up? A good gander at the 40-minute retrospective, Defenders of Justice: The Story of The Lone Gunmen, will put a smile back on even the most parnoid puss.

4 of 5 stars

Highly Recommended Video: 3 Audio: 3 Extras: 4 Replay: 3

2001, 559 mins (13 episodes), 1.78:1 anam, DD 2.0, Commentaries, Bonus episode, Documentary, TV spots.

William Winckler, the mammary-minded maestro behind The Double-D Avenger, is purculating a picture of a decidedly less melon-heavy variety:

"We just completed principal photography on our second full-length film, a classic-style horror movie titled William Winckler's Frankenstein Vs. The Creature From Blood Cove. Being an homage to classic horror, the movie is serious, dramatic and is shot entirely in black and white. Millions of classic horror fans have waited for years for a film such as this and our traditional-style special effects make-ups are amazing.

Many genre celebrities also appear including Butch Patrick from The Munsters, David Gerrold from the classic Star Trek, Russ Meyer film queen Raven De La Croix, Troma's Lloyd Kaufman and others! Post production will be completely finished in June and several major distributors are already interested in licensing the film."

Steven writes: "They didn't play the trailer at the theater where I saw Sin City at (they lovingly played the trailer for Star Wars: Episode III, though), but the ultra violence in Sin City pretty much made up for it."

Noel responds: Hear, hear on Sin City, Steven. Highest decapitations-to-running time ratio since Quentin's Kill Bill. Thankfully, I got an eyeful of the far-improved Devil's Rejects trailer AND Ms. Alba doing the "Hippy Hippy Shake" in chaps. Me-ow! Nancy grow'd up real good.

The Great Roger Corman celebrates his 79th!

MITCH HEDBERG 1968-2005

An overly exuberant fan, namely yours truly, yelped "KOALA BEAR!!!" as Mitch began to wind down his set at a sold-out show at the Majestic Theatre in Dallas. Hedberg sputtered, smiled and pointed into the darkness of the audience crowd:

"This is dedicated to that guy: My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever! Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter! And I don't want 'em to, you know? I'm like, 'Hey, hold on, fellas! Let me hold one of you -- and feed you a leaf.' Koala bears are so fucking cute. Why do they have to be so far away from me!?!"

Thanks again, Mitch, you're already missed.

Listen, laugh: Strategic Grill Locations and Mitch All Together