Movie:
Video: 3.5 Audio: 4
Extras: .5 Replay: 2
Advice: Recommended
|
Movie:
Video: 3.5 Audio: 4
Extras: .5 Replay: 1
Advice: Recommended
|
Movie:
Video: 3 Audio: 3
Extras: .5 Replay: 0
Advice: Rent It
|
Movie:
Video: 3 Audio: 3
Extras: .5 Replay: 0
Advice: Rent It
|
Marketing mayhem: Poster art taglines and official subtitles |
"When you've got Critters... you need all the help you can get." Sometimes subtitled "They Bite" |
"Get ready for seconds... they're back!" Subtitle: "The Main Course" |
"You are what they eat" |
Another Alien steal: "In space, they love to hear you scream!" Subtitle: "They're invading your space" |
Advantage: Critters 3. Corny appropriation of "You are what you eat." Get it!?!
Under seige: Locale for the thunderous Crittoral climax |
The Browns sleepy farm house outside Grovers Bend, Kansas. |
Tiny downtown Grovers Bend and its tasty citizenry. |
Flea-bag apartment building in bustling Topeka, Kansas. |
Not in Kansas anymore: Aboard a Saturn-quadrant space station in 2045. |
Advantage: Critters 2. The little guys really thrive on a wider menu.
Boy wonders:
Wily young heros who kick Critter keister |
Danger Will Robinson! Scott Grimes's Brad Brown builds bombs. How Columbine. |
Our Bill Mumy lookalike returns -- with a stylish single-stud earring. |
Budding trim magnet Leonardo DiCaprio makes his squeaky screen debut. |
Unlike Leo, Paul Whitthorne's career never achieved orbit. |
Advantage: Critters. Gotta go with the kid with the most firepower.
Fashionably late: How long til guests of honor show their mugs |
36:23 |
23:30 |
27:25 |
37:00!!! |
Advantage: Critters 4. The shear AUDACITY of this sequel. Even the prologue is sans furballs.
To serve man:
Who made the most memorable din-din |
Horny teen slips his fingers where he shouldn't. |
Guy in an Easter Bunny getup piles through stained glass window. |
Slum lord devoured as Julia Child debones poultry on TV. |
Space cadet struggles to clear throat of one righteous hairball. |
Advantage: Critters 2. Remember kiddos, the Easter Bunny did NOT die for your sins.
What the @#$%: How witnesses attempt to classify the varmints |
"These ... CRITTERS!" |
"Space porcupine things!" and "Man-eating dust mops!" |
"They're little animals. Nasty things with sharp teeth! Things from outer space!!!" |
"Man-eating hairballs!" |
Advantage: Critters 2. Two for two! Even better? "Man-eating space porcupine dust mops!"
Franchise fodder:
Charlie's rise from bit player to unlikely hero |
Drunk whose "they're coming" ravings finally prove correct. |
Trades booze and bicycle for interstellar bounty hunter gear. |
Ferrets among terrestrial shrubs frightening youngsters. |
Don Keith Opper's new Charlie ... Charlie BRONSON! |
Advantage: Critters 2. More pleasant surprise than doofus nuisance.
Funny business:
How the off-brand gremlins entertain themselves |
Accost Brad's E.T. doll while busting up the house. |
Food fight at the Hungry Heifer all-you-can-eat buffet. |
Guzzling soap and beans yields bubbling flatulence. |
Hacking into the space station computer system. |
Advantage: Critters 2. The franchise's most unapologetic (and gooey) steal from Gremlins.
Galactic geeks: Overt references to Star Wars or Star Trek |
Brad's cat is named Chewie. Mr. Spock births child in tabloid headline. |
Charlie: "I've gotta go where no man has gone before!" |
Message delivered via "Help me Obi Wan"-esque projection. |
Heros tumble into icky trash compactor. Captain orders: "Make it so." |
Advantage: Critters 4. Shameless right down to Charlie and Ethan's pleas for computer aid.
Crite killers:
Saga of shape-shifting alien bounty hunters |
Ug adopts look of "Power of the Night" rocker Johnny Steele. |
Lee morphs into Playboy centerfold. Complete with staple. |
Terrence Mann continues to belie his Broadway pedigree. |
Ug commands sinister corporate "storm troopers." |
Advantage: Critters 2. Buxom Ms. Roxanne Kernohan made Playboy in '89 -- as a B-girl.
Critter casualties:
Best fond farewells of our fuzzy friends |
Squashed by shotgun felled ceiling fan. |
Chicken-fried Critter tops menu at Hungry Heifer. |
Excessive, wall-to-wall bludgeoning on mop handle. |
Instant Crittercicle. |
Advantage: Critters 4. Ethan is at his most lifelike when he snarls: "CHILL OUT, ASS@#$%!!!"
Critter chatter: Subtitled extraterrestrial bonmots |
Upon arrival: "Food!" Facing artillery: "F@#%!!!" |
Surprise menu addition: "Live food!" |
After the feast: "Dessert!" |
Nothing remarkable. |
Advantage: Critters. Note to Critters 5 producers: Cursing beasties are effing hilarious!
CineSchlocker idols:
Luminaries who grace the proceedings |
M. Emmet Walsh as the ever-annoyed sheriff. |
Barry Corbin subs as cranky ol' Harv. |
Frances Bay is the perennial scrappy biddy. |
Brad Dourif chews about 800,000 packs of gum. |
Advantage: Critters 4. If only it'd been scripted as Small Fries: Chucky vs. Critters.
No breasts. Four corpses. One prison break. Slingshot to the hiney. Gutted bovine. Toilet diving. Insta-home repair. Reckless driving. |
Two breasts. Five corpses. Alien slug beast. "BM" talk. Exploding meat packing plant. Gratuitous Krueger cameo. Paste eating. |
No breasts. Two corpses. Franchise flashbacks. Excessive goo. Fuzzy rabbit slippers. Ash can bowling. Kiddo dangling. One Critter kabob. |
No breasts. Seven corpses. Gratuitous Angela Bassett shower footage. Mexican standoff. Conveniently spacious duct system. Planet juggling. |
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