If you don't own and haven't already heavily dogeared Profoundly Disturbing: Shocking Movies that Changed History ... GET WITH IT!!! Joe Bob Briggs returns with Profoundly Erotic: Sexy Movies that Changed History in which the world's greatest living drive-in movie critic holds forth on filmed fornication from The Sheik (1921) to Lolita (1962) to 9 1/2 Weeks (1986). In stores this August or keep an eye on The Joe Bob Report for an autographed edition.

Tromaville's Lloyd Kaufman and Notre Dame University have buddied up to conduct a scholarly survey of horror cinema fans. That describes all of you so fill this sucker out and email it back to Lloyd. If you don't, Toxie will be very disappointed.

Also, DVD Talk honcho Geoff Kleinman recently chatted up Kaufman's 5-disc Make Your Own Damn Movie! box set on DVD Talk Radio. CineSchlockers will especially be interested to hear Lloyd's latest, the long-awaited Poultrygeist, is due to begin rolling later this summer -- and they're hiring. Listen to Geoff's interview using the Online DVD Talk Radio Player or download the complete interview (30 min, 18mb).

Bet Mr. Cort would've winced if quizzed about this CineSchlock-O-Rama's Most Wanted title ...

BATES MOTEL (1987): Norman Bates meets Mr. Roarke in this feature-length TV pilot. At the funny farm, Bates realizes that a boy's best friend ISN'T his mother, instead it's a junior dingbat who starched his abusive dry-cleaner pop into Stiffsville. When Norman croaks, he wills the Bates to this wacko ward (doe-eyed Bud Cort) with instructions to reopen the motel as a MURDER-FREE haven for troubled travelers, never dreaming the kid would redecorate in a tacky Southwestern motif. Townsfolk and one infamously cranky biddy are naturally down on the squirrely fella's plans, especially as he incessantly squeaks about his good ol' buddy Norm. Spastic newcomer Lori Petty arrives in a chicken suit, but spends the flick's most awkward scene in a certain man-child's bed. While TV heartthrob Jason Bateman shows just in time for the stupefying final reel when friendly spooks try cheering up a suicidal lodger.

Jules: Basically, I'm just gonna walk the earth.
Vincent: What you mean, "Walk the earth!?!"
Jules: You know, like Kane in Kung Fu. Walk from place to place. Meet people. Get in adventures.

Five episodes. A fistful of rocks. That unmistakable Bass calling card: "It's me! It's me! It's Ernest T!" Sadly, another Andy Griffith Show great is no longer with us.

Guess y'all really shouldn't have been so encouraging, because I've already thrown open the mic for another pod -- ahem! -- schlockcast (10 min, 6 mb). After feeling nonplused over the Younglings buying it in Revenge of the Sith, George Lucas got me mulling the provocative power of "kiddo killing" and how this big-screen taboo was far more arresting in John Carpenter's Assault on Precinct 13 and Sergio Leone's Once Upon a Time in the West.

Also, on a more chipper note, Misty Mundae may be The Girl Who Shagged Me, but it's Anoushka's cave babe that makes Seduction Cinema's latest spoof sizzle.

I fulfilled my geekly duty of ogling Revenge of the Sith last night. Even with low Lucas expectations, my Cringe-O-Meter pegged out far more often than hoped. Especially, when Darth finally became Darth. I was with George up until the big guy's final-reel "Force Freakout" where the freshly bionicized baddie burst King Kong-style from his restraints, lumbered a few Frankensteinian steps forward and holler'd: "NNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"

I thought the line was echoing through the theater until I realized the hounddog harmony was ME! Two hours of Empire Strikes Back ... Stat!

Noel responds: Since Ginger Snaps, eh? I like that. Let's see, not sure how horrific or how below the radar to go, but just off the top of my brainpan ...

1. May
2. Bubba Ho-Tep
3. Shaun of the Dead
4. Dog Soldiers
5. The Convent
6. Ginger Snaps 2: Unleashed
7. Beyond Re-Animator
8. Monsturd
10. Spiders

I'll also share your question with the class as I'm certain our fellow CineSchlockers will have their own suggestions!

In our, ok, my continuing coverage of all things Jessica Alba (a.k.a. excuses to post leering photos of said siren), it's amusing to note the Invisible Gal's zipper seems to have slipped much lower in marketing material than in actual Fantastic 4 stills. Exploitation cinema lives!

At fine booksellers everywhere June 1st.

Cribbing from his own Stanley -- a flick about an angry indian in cahoots with a rattlesnake, which come to think of it, was itself a steal from the rat-revenge hit Willard -- Floridian auteur William Grefe dreams up yet another bizarro Dr. Dolittle (Richard Jaeckel) who pals around with S-H-A-R-K-S that readily chew on anyone who burns his bacon.

By the end of the picture, turns out, that's a pretty long list! Why? Well, in Key West, when they're not boozing it up at pre-hurricane soirees, it seems they rather enjoy doing mean-nasty things to these would-be maneaters. Something Jaeckel's stone-faced Sonny (Oh, the irony!) simply can't abide due to his accidental induction into the "Shark Clan" whilst ankling away from certain death in the Philippines. (Don't ask.) That and because things get personal when a crooked marine biologist comes courting Sonny's extended fin'd family -- Sammy, Matilda and their unborn brood.

But between fearsome feeding frenzies, Jaeckel jabbers with his "friends" via the trap door of his shore-side bachelor pad, tussles with CineSchlocker fave Harold "Odd Job" Sakata and moons over Jennifer Bishop's bikini-clad water mambo in a jumbo-sized aquarium behind the bar at the Rustic Inn. Take THAT Cirque du Soleil!

Besides harboring nary the slightest bit of shame about coattailing a certain other '70s sensation, this strange precursor to militant environmentalism was filmed entirely without cages or robotics, which you guessed it, means lots and lots of sharks were harmed during the making of this feature. Yep, they really don't make 'em like this anymore.

No breasts. 13 corpses. Gratuitous flashback sequence. Hurricane-hampered land and sea chase. Dumpster diving. Bang sticking. Gratuitous shark shaman. Vaudevillian standup routine (with flubbed gag.) Charlie questions Sonny's sexuality: "I wouldn't be surprised if them baby sharks don't all come out looking like him!"

4 of 5 stars

Rent It (Due to DVD quality)  Video: 0 Audio: .5 Extras: 0 Replay: 1

1976, 85 mins, Fullframe, DD mono, No extras. Regarding the cover art: What's the over/under on Legacy receiving a cease and desist order from the JAWS folks?

Hilton hearts ...

- House of Wax: "This movie is so good and I'm so happy to be in it."

- Ordering mac and cheese at fancy restaurants.

- Contemplating superpowers such as flight or, gasp, invisibility!

- Bling! "I have 2 million dollars of diamonds on. They told me to say that, but it's true."

- Soft-focus quizmeisters: "I love Barbara Walters. She's never looked more beautiful. So did Star Jones. ... I love Diane Sawyer. She's so beautiful and sweet and nice."

- Technology: "I have an iPod. I have a lot of iPods. I love iPods. They're hot."

- Imagining an actual career: "I love animals, so I'd be a veterinarian. Or a school teacher for little kids, because I love kids."

Stuff she's not so hot on ...

- Jolly Rancher-flinging Vancouverans.

- Letterman's badgering: "Some things in life you don't want the whole world to know about."

- Her wax figure at Madame Tussauds. (Icky hair!)

- Over-exuberant fans: "Tell them to stop screaming. It's hurting my ears."

- Not having her bagel delivered in a timely fashion.

- Being asked to introduce 50 Cent's Just a Little Bit video: "Why? I hate that song. ... Can I change it? What about pop music? Britney Spears, I like. [Offered My Prerogative.] That sucked, though. Forget it, I don't even give a shit."

Oh, wait, this is supposed to be about a certain remake, right? Here goes ...

- Tribeca Film Fest premiere: "Everyone in New York City really loved it. Everyone was clapping and screaming. I've never seen a movie get such a reaction. ... It's really scary and people are going to like it."

- Her character: "We're both the same age, basically. We're both sweet, nice girls. We're just from different towns."

- Having a stick jammed through her brainpan: "It's one of the coolest death scenes I've ever seen. It was an awesome way to die."

- Ms. Hilton's final pod pitch: "By the time you hear this, House of Wax will already be open. So, I hope you've already seen it or you're going to, because you're going to love it. Make sure to bring a date there, or a group of friends, and you'll have a fun time."

Guess that about does it. Counted 7 "Hot!" declarations compared to 9 by-name House of Wax plugs. Guess that's equal time according to Paris? Although costar, frequent podcast horner-inner and Hilton galpal-in-training Elisha Cuthbert earnestly wants "Sexual" and/or "Wizard" to be the new "it" identifier.

Whatever you say, Ms. Bauer ...

If you haven't followed the show, do yourself a favor and hit the couch for today's Project Greenlight marathon on Bravo. This season's been the best yet, especially for we gutter-dwelling horror hounds. Savor peeks at brand new critters by the irrepressible Gary Tunnicliffe. Ogle a Kyro-slathered Krista Allen. Most of all, behold director John Gulager goin' goretuer his first time out! My kinda fella. And, no, I'm not just sucking up in the hope he'll give me a lift in his Lincoln. (Love me some '60s suicide doors!)

Looks like we'll get a gander at George Romero's Land of the Dead sooner than October after all! June 24th is the new release date for this long, long, long awaited zombie epic. The youngster-friendly trailer isn't going to raise the dead, but it does provide the ill-informed a quick history lesson on the zombified greatness of Mr. Romero and affords Dennis "Lord of the Harvest" Hopper the opportunity to mug: "Zombies, man. They creep me out."