Agent Mulder of "The X-Files" has only one real passion -- other than chasing little green fellas -- and that's his unquenchable thirst for porno. Mulder's video library likely runs a little raunchier, but there's a Skinemax flick causing quite a stir among fans called The Alien Files (1998, 100 minutes, aka. Alien Erotica: The Secret Files). It was produced by Emmanuelle cash-man Alain Siritzky and is just one of SEVEN couples-oriented films in his Click Studios series The Sex Files (which includes Seduction of the Soul, Restless Souls, Mr. X, Virtual Sex, Pleasure World and Double Identity). For reasons unknown, but perhaps due to a complex government cover-up, the "X-Files" spoof was stripped of its S-Files title in favor of Alien Files on video and Alien Erotica on late-night cable. Pretty danged confusing, but thankfully, the Lifeforce-esque picture is a real no-brainer.
The movie: Agent Preston (Jack Perry) and Agent Forrest (Kira Reed) are in charge of the FBI's "Sex Files" division and are dispatched to Area 69 where a deep-space crew has just returned and is in dire need of a sexual harassment lecture. While on their coed voyage, they encounter a space-alien fungus that squirts baby powder in the air and makes a frigid scientist strip nekkid and writhe around on the floor smearing cocoa butter all over herself. The plant then turns itself into a COPY of the gal and runs off to find a man to diddle senseless. But, here's the twist, the original chick can feel all the naughty stuff that's going on, sort of a dirty E.S.P. (Extra Sexual Perception), so she's not all THAT upset about the predicament. When they get back to Earth, Anne Gallo (Gabriella Hall), the latest alien clone, can't keep her hands and other parts to herself. She goes so far as to seduce her male guard. Then the government goons wise up and put her under FEMALE watch, but Anne makes eyes at her and breaks out of the stockade, having adopted the guard's shapely form. This sends Agents Preston and Forrest into maximum-alert plant patrol. But they always seem to be one lover behind her, as the crazed nympho runs around moaning, "Must feed!" And quelling that hunger means exhausting every hapless dude she frantically pounces on -- all in an apparent search for her marooned space-mate. It possesses one busty babe after another until even the normally prudish Agent Forrest falls victim to the astro-vixen fern. Throughout the flick, there are plenty of amusing Mulder/Scully parallels and the two even run around with flashlights at one point. Ms. Reed reprised her role in the somewhat lame sequel Alien Erotica II, which has a male version of the plant crash land in a dumpster and make a dateless busboy irresistible to women. CineSchlockers will remember Kira (sometimes Kira Lee) from a string of fleshy B-features since the mid-90s, and as Patricia Arquette's body double in Stigmata.
Notables: 31 breasts. Multiple diddling (11 scenes, roughly half in outer space). Horny space-alien fungus. Funhouse-mirror cam. Gratuitous shower scene. One female peeping Tom. Flaming toast. High-speed chase. Lesbian tongue rasslin'.
Quotables: A blushing victim describes her up-close and personal encounter with the alien, "It felt like an electric eel against my skin, but it didn't hurt." Agent Forrest asks, "Aren't star-crossed fungi entitled to love and happiness like everyone else?" And when she and her partner are subdued within the space creature's lair, "Oh, great, here comes the anal probe."
Time codes: The first victim of the infection (11:40). Evil Dead-style diddling by computer wires (29:40). Road trip music video (40:10). Horny vines get frisky with Agent Forrest (1:31:18).
Audio/Video: Excessively chunky image quality with pronounced digital grain. Presented in its original fullframe direct-to-video ratio, but the best viewing option may be premium cable, or gasp, VHS rental. Respectable Dolby Digital 2.0 audio track.
Extras: Trailer. Motion-video scene selections. Cast bios. Menus feature a bastardized version of Mark Snow's "X-Files" theme. Widescreen trailer for Nautilus -- the story of a scientist behind the wheel of a tricked-out submarine he uses to travel back in time to save the world from its future, or something. And a fullframe trailer for Motel Blue -- a spy-flick starring an exceedingly top heavy Punky Brewster doing battle with queen bitch Sean Young.
Final thought: Over-priced, poorly-produced disc for a seriously ridiculous flick not soon forgotten. See it with the X-phile, or fungus, you love. Poor image quality earns the disc a lower rating. Rent it.
G. Noel Gross is a Dallas graphic designer and avowed Drive-In Mutant who specializes in scribbling B-movie reviews. Noel is inspired by Joe Bob Briggs and his gospel of blood, breasts and beasts.