Short Takes

Three commentary tracks and a behind-the-scenes reel attest to the fact plenty of talented, exuberant and well-meaning folks worked awful hard to achieve an admirably high level of production value on the cheap. As for entertainment value, their effort's frittered away on a painfully pedestrian geek show that strives to tumble the tummies of the gore gods, yet only musters tiresome haunted house hysterics. TV reportersaurus Dana Diamond (Jennifer Bass) claws riot-torn streets itching to Geraldo her way into an anchor gig when she becomes the story of this All Hallows Eve (naturally). You'd think after a transient tinkles on her toes and takes a hole punch (!?!) to another gal's eyelids (Krista Grotte), Ms. Diamond would be deterred from trotting down darkened alleys after said psycho (Christopher Brooks ), but no, she's gotta have MORE FOOTAGE! For being that dern dippy, genre bylaws dictate she's obliged to endure the demented domestic amusements of a passel of unkempt crazies who've apparently rented Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3, like, a THOUSAND times. Should this half-hour Halloween hayride somehow spark a feature, CineSchlockers will no doubt lobby to leave everyone off the call sheet except for Jakub Dolezal's absurdly inspired, bipedal butcher shop known affectionately as M-E-A-T-M-A-N!!! No breasts. Eight corpses. Gratuitous urination. Hair pulling. Face licking. Impromptu boogieing. Puking. Gratuitous guy-in-a-gas-mask. Taxidermy'd tikes. Ms. Diamond aims high: "I want shock TV! I want skull bashing! Throat slashing! Gang raping! Whatever!" (2004, 35 mins, 1.85:1, DD 2.0, Commentaries, Isolated score, Featurette, Alternate ending, Deleted scenes, Bloopers, Photos, Trailers.)