One step ahead of the law and their creditors, the Great Healy Dramatic and Concert Company flees across the border from Wyoming into Nebraska. (There's mention here of the group traveling west into Nebraska, predicting the picture's confused sense of geography.) Arriving in Cheyenne (Where? Cheyenne is in Wyoming) troupe founder/leading player Tom Healy (Anthony Quinn) introduces his fellow actors: 20-year-old Della Southby (Margaret O'Brien), "our charming soubrette" and "the leading child actress on the stage"; Lorna Hathaway (Eileen Heckart), celebrated for her "flute-playing and bird calls"; Manfred "Doc" Montague (Edmund Lowe), "master of villainy and 26 dialects"; and gorgeous Angela "Angie" Rossini (Sophia Loren), "famed for feats of prestidigitation."

The troupe sets up camp at the saloon/theater of Sam Pierce (George Matthews), and thanks mainly to Angie's curvy body and racy costumes (anachronistic hip-hugging affairs, courtesy Edith Head), their performance of Mazeppa is a big hit. But creditor Hodges (Warren Wade) and gunslinger Mabry (Steve Forrest), who "wins" Angie (i.e., he gets to sleep with her) in a poker game, threaten the troupe's existence and the mostly unspoken romance between her and Healy.

Their props and costumes about to be seized, the troupe skips town, and with Mabry's help make the perilous trek over a treacherous snow-capped mountain range (in Nebraska?) to Bonanza City.

Cukor's obvious attraction to Heller in Pink Tights are the scenes depicting 19th century American theater, and in these scenes the film comes alive with outstanding art direction by Gene Allen and Hal Pereira (the latter possibly only contractually credited as department head). Sets of the various theaters are extremely colorful and impressively authentic. The staging of Mazeppa, a genuinely popular production from the era, is fascinating in much the same manner as the Gilbert & Sullivan recreations in Topsy-Turvy (1999).

Unfortunately, Cukor shows no interest at all in the more conventional Western movie aspects of Walter Bernstein and Dudley Nichols' script (from Louis L'Amour's novel). Indeed, there's a general ineptitude that contrasts sharply with his energetic staging of the theater scenes. The Western action is badly covered; Cukor tends to shoot wide, medium shots and close-ups all from the same angle, and many scenes were obviously rescued in the editing room through artificially-created close-ups achieved via optical-printing.

Further muddling things is the utter miscasting of Anthony Quinn as a meek, moody actor whose confidence onstage isn't carried over to his real-life relationships. He's supposed to be a fish out of water, a greenhorn constantly deferring to the courage and experience of gunfighter Mabry during their trip over the mountains. The part calls for a Jack Lemmon type; Quinn looks like he could pound Forrest into the ground like a stake.

Loren, in her third of three films with Quinn, is equally unconvincing, though in her defense she doesn't have much of a character to play, even though much of the action revolves around her character. In 1960, she wasn't much of an actress, either; in Heller in Pink Tights she's beautiful but uncharismatic and she simply can't carry the picture. Better are Eileen Heckert and former child star Margaret O'Brien (Meet Me in St. Louis), the latter trading off her reputation as a "child" actress well into adulthood. Edmund Lowe, star of the late-silent/early-talkie era, is delightful as a hard-drinking thespian.

Video & Audio

Heller in Pink Tights is somewhat disappointing in its 1.85:1 OAR, 16:9 anamorphic transfer. Most of the film, originally printed by Technicolor, looks okay if grainy, but all process shots, most obviously in all of the film's many dissolves from scene-to-scene, look awful and are quite distracting. The Dolby Digital 2.0 mono sound is acceptable but nothing special. The film has optional English subtitles but that's it. There are no other audio tracks or subtitle options, and no Extra Features, not even a trailer.

Parting Thoughts

Western fans, fans of Loren and Quinn, and George Cukor completests may be drawn to Heller in Pink Tights, but the film is a frustrating, unappetizing experience. Despite some fleeting inspiration in its 19th century theater scenes, the picture is an almost total failure.

Stuart Galbraith IV is a Los Angeles and Kyoto-based film historian whose work includes The Emperor and the Wolf -- The Lives and Films of Akira Kurosawa and Toshiro Mifune. His new book, Cinema Nippon will be published by Taschen in 2005.