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Reviews » DVD Video Reviews » Private School
Private School
Universal // R // March 6, 2007
List Price: $14.98 [Buy now and save at Amazon]
Review by Adam Tyner | posted March 2, 2007 | E-mail the Author
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So, it's been right at twenty five years since Private School limped into theaters, and maybe that means it's time for a refresher. Just to bring you up to speed, these are tits:


...and these are asses:


Picture Matthew Modine and his two unfuckably dweeby best friends ogling those for an hour and a half straight, and that's Private School. There's a kinda/sorta plot with busty sexpot Betsy Russell trying to put her floppy double-Ds in between Modine and virginal slice-of-girl-next-door-apple-pie Phoebe Cates, but like every other shitball teen sex comedy trying to ride Porky's $100 million coattails, it's just an excuse to string together some 4th-grade-recess innuendo and a small army of anonymous, nekkid actresses.

Obligatory Fat Guy tries to hide an erection with a balloon and pops it. The three guys dress up in proto-Sorority Boys drag to sneak into the all-girls' school. Betsy Russell tries to seduce Matthew Modine (I guess I'm not bothering with character names) by riding around on a horse with her shirt unbuttoned, and yes, a "bareback riding" joke is cracked within seconds. There's an accidental fourway in a car, and you know a couple minutes in advance that somehow that Rolls is going to wind up careening into a swimming pool. They call Miss Dutchbok "Miss Douchebag" repeatedly. The big climactic comedic setpiece has Guy Who Keeps Pushing Up His Glasses taking bets on how much Obligatory Fat Guy can get Betsy Russell to strip down, coughing and hiding things Boy Meets World-style as he tries to cover up the fact that his friends are scattered all over the room. The spinsters on the school's board pop up every few minutes with horrified looks. You get the idea. Not so much with the funny.

Shitty dialogue. Shitty sense of humor. Not much nudity from the two female leads, leaving a slew of extras to pick up the T&A slack. (Betsy Russell shows a lot of skin but doesn't spend as much time topless as you'd expect from a teen sex comedy, and the bareback riding sequence isn't as long or as legendary as you mistakenly remember. Phoebe Cates plays the good girl and apparently figured out how to spell "no nudity clause" after the double-shot of Paradise and Fast Times at Ridgemont High.) Like H.O.T.S. or Joysticks, Private School is such an unrelentingly cheesy product of the '80s that it's almost endearing, but nostalgia is really the only thing this 25 year old tittie flick has going for it. Well, aside from titties.

Video: Once the opening titles have come and gone, the 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen video isn't half-bad. It still looks like a sex comedy shot on the cheap in 1983, sure, but it's reasonably sharp, and a bit of speckling and some light film grain aren't enough to distract.

Audio: Apparently previous video releases had ditched some of the songs from the movie's original theatrical run, but everything seems to be present and accounted for on DVD. The music in this Dolby Digital mono soundtrack is surprisingly punchy, but other than that, it's exactly what you'd think a monaural, low-budget flick from a quarter-century ago would sound like: dated, yeah, and dialogue can get a little lost in the mix at times, but it's alright.

Optional subtitles in English and French have also been tacked on, and the DVD is not closed captioned.

Extras: Nothin'. This DVD is so stripped down to bare metal that it doesn't even have a chapter selection menu.

Conclusion: Private School might have some meager nostalgic appeal, but if you're just looking for tits, ass, and lame jokes, flip on Cinemax and watch Bikini Cavegirl or something. Rent It.
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