The Plot:
It's some time in the early to mid '70s and San Francisco is under siege. Someone calling themselves Zodiac is killing couples in the area, and leaving cryptic notes and mysterious messages with law enforcement - and one local writer. Indeed, this murderer constantly harasses the scribe he refers to as "Fatf*uck", calling him at all hours of the day and night and taunting him with information on his latest/next crime. But our overwrought author is not the only person perplexed by this crime. A young woman with substantial psychic powers appears linked to the murdering madman. She can see his heinous deeds down to the last detail, and it's eating her up inside. When no one else will listen to her, she turns to the equally harried writer for sympathy. Together, they try to crack the fiend's elaborate code. Unfortunately, it may be too late. The Curse of the Zodiac appears likely to rule them both for as long as they live - which, unfortunately, may not be very long at all.

The DVD:
Make no mistake about it - Curse of the Zodiac is one of the worst movies ever made. Actually, that's not very fair. Indeed, comparing this crudely conceived compost heap with cinema and the infamous litany of lame motion pictures does a disservice to both entities. Rare is the filmmaker that finds Ed Wood, Uwe Boll and Dale Restingini readily capable of mocking him, but ex-Rainer Werner Fassbinder pupil Ulli Lommel easily earns said metaphysical mudslinging. This senseless exercise in celluloid hubris, continuously hindered by a feeble narrative, nonsensical script and dimwitted direction, wants to bring a new perspective to the now notorious '60s/'70s unsolved killing spree. Apparently, in Lommel's mind, such a revamped viewpoint needs to involve inconsistent period details, incredibly bad adlibbed acting, and a killer whose externalized internal monologue sounds a lot like that YouTube boob known as the Insult Alien. Wrap it all in a PowerBook post-production ideal that shakes, shimmies and shutters the visuals for maximum irritation, a complete disregard for factual accuracy and a shocking lack of logic and you have what is easily the most undeniably dumb drama ever. Lommel may have created some decent movies back before the Berlin Wall fell (he is most noted for the invisible slasher horror film The Boogeyman), but his imagination is definitely stuck somewhere behind the former Iron Curtain. While what he wants to do here may seem ambitious, it's actually the expected result of no money, no insight and absolutely no talent.

The problems here begin with the premise. The psychic link that supposedly exists between our half-witted heroine (surely the most trying aspect of this thoroughly exasperating exercise) and the Zodiac is never explained, underdeveloped and rife with common sense missteps. For example, our lead can see everything that happens to the victims. She sees the killer stalking them. She sees the area in which they live. She even experiences minutes of these future corpses pointless, made-up conversations. So does she immediately go to the police and explain what's happening? Do the cops keep her in a safe house under constant surveillance so that when Mr. Z gets the urge to slaughter, they can pick up on the clues and carry on an investigation? Hell no. Instead, this gal ends up confiding in some obese wannabe writer who sweats more than he thinks, and together, the pair log endless scenes of stupid speculation. The sequences between 'Fatf*ck' and "Pretty Girl' (our fiend's unimaginative nicknames for his trackers) are painful. Dialogue dribbles out of both like diarrhea from a sick dog's ass, and the storyline is frequently foiled so that our so-called actors can improvise idiotically. Even when given written words to read, these atrocious performers stutter and stammer like crackheads auditioning for a community college theater troop. If they added something to the plot, that would be fine. Instead, they merely take up time and space.

Zodiac himself isn't much better. Played by two different individuals (one for his bald-headed vibe, the other for their varying voice over capabilities), Lommel simply lets our man/monster wander the San Francisco cityscape as a digital camera picks up selective shots, guerilla filmmaking style. Instead of scary, he looks like one of those geek survivalists who shop exclusively at the old Army/Navy surplus shop. With obviously fake tattoos on his neck and absolutely no inherent personality (all performance is provided by the narration) we end up with a prop, a human piece of cinematic statuary to be moved around at Lommel's will. Granted, all of this would be easier to take if this movie had anything remotely attractive to horror fans. But without any substantive gore (we get one single shot of some cranberry jelly brains) or believable dread, what we wind up with is an exercise in entertainment tolerances, not something suspenseful or shocking. And let's not even discuss the random pre-murder exchanges between our soon to be slain casualties. With each discussion bordering on the retarded and no couple even remotely resembling an authentic real world pairing, we instantly avoid any identification or sympathy. Instead, we want these people dead, and pronto. Thanks to such a lack of interest and a real dearth of standard cinematic stances, Curse of the Zodiac becomes a motion picture pox, destined to infect all those unfortunate enough to come in contact with its mediocrity.

The Video:
Delivered in a busy, purposefully convoluted multimedia conceit, the 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen image offered as part of this DVD presentation is almost epilepsy-inducing. While colorful and sometimes compelling, it employs far too many random quick cuts, lots of meaningless montages, and more than enough dissolves and double exposures. As a result, it is readily apparent that Lommel wants to substitute confusion for a clear cinematic scheme. We are supposed to feel lost in Zodiac's scrambled mind. What we end up with is one big mess.

The Audio:
Locked in a dismal, dimensionless Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo mix, the aural elements here are completely flat and lifeless. The actor portraying Zodiac's voice is easily understandable in his overdubbed presence, but the rest of the cast are lost in camcorder recording ridiculousness. They are almost indecipherable amongst all the ambient noise.

The Extras:
Talk about your insignificant bits of added content. This DVD serves us a snooze-inducing commentary track with Lommel, producer Nola Roeper and Associate Editor Christian Behm, a collection of bonus footage, and a still gallery. None of it is worth you time, and to make matters worse, the alternative narrative is presented in such a manner that the discussion is frequently washed out by the film's original soundtrack. Toss in the typical collection of Lionsgate trailers and you've got an unnecessary supplement to a truly awful entity.

Final Thoughts:
Talk about your critical no-brainers. Curse of the Zodiac barely deserves mentioning, let alone classification as a potential entertainment experience. It's just that bad. But for anyone whose interest is peaked by the premise or the crimes upon which it is founded needs to know this - you will only be appalled by what you see here, and not in a good, gorehound way. Therefore, a solid Skip It is all this meandering mucus deserves. There is nothing wrong with trying to tie-in/rip-off a higher profile Hollywood effort. It's been part and parcel of the business of show since movies became merchandisable. But there's another truism on top of that, and it usually goes a little something like this - most copycat/coattail creations are crap. Curse of the Zodiac surely lives up to said statement.

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