This title was featured in
Andy Sidaris Collection

HARD TICKET TO HAWAII (1987, 97 minutes): Two stunning federal agents (Dona Speir and Hope Marie Carlton) are working their cover gigs as the island-hoping flygals of Molokai Cargo when they accidentally foil a comically-elaborate payday for some drug goons involving a radio-controlled minicopter stuffed with diamonds. These yahoos aren't too pleased about being separated from their loot by a pair of uzi-toting babes in halter-tops and sinfully short shorts, so they decide to barge in on Donna and Tarya's post-Jacuzzi girl talk. Bad move fellas. Speaking of testosterone, pretty-boy toys Ronn Moss and Harold Diamond arrive from the mainland to join the hiney kicking (via quadruple bazooka) and to fraternize with their fellow government employees. What really makes this sucker weirder than most is that slithering all the way through is a giant rubber SNAKE that just hasn't been right since it ate a mess of diseased rats. CineSchlockers should note that Ms. Speir reprised her role as the lethal Donna Hamilton in SIX more Sidaris pictures and was discovered by the director during the filming of Playboy's Playmate Playoffs. As Miss March 1984 she listed Loverboy and Alan Alda among her favorite performers.

Notables: Eight breasts. 15 corpses. Message in a sandwich. Razorblade Frisbee. Sumo wrestling. Cross dressing. Kung fu fighting. Exploding toilet.

Quotables: Donna deadpans, "We need to figure out what just happened. Let's unload and hit the Jacuzzi. I do my best thinking there." Romero (Rodrigo Obregon) chastises his employees, "If brains were birds@#%, you'd have a clean cage!!!" Rowdy knows how to sweet-talk the broads, "I don't want to control your life. All I want to do is suck the polish right off your toes."

Time codes: Picturesque "Hard Ticket to Hawaii" music video (11:45). Sidaris typecast as breast-obsessed TV director (22:05). Ridiculous skateboard stunt (45:08). An ode to the climatic closet scene in Halloween (1:23:15).