The Plot:
George, Albert, and Ernie are roommates. They all work at the local video store. George fancies himself a ladies man, a gold chain wearing champion of the weaker sex. He's really a lothario loser. Albert was a decent kid in high school, and when an old flame shows up, he instantly thinks of rekindling their faraway romance. Ernie, on the other hand, is hopeless. To call him inexperienced would give a bad name to naïve individuals everywhere. He's so out of it he's almost prescient. While Albert pursues his new relationship, George tries dozens of get rich quick schemes. Between the three of them, there's nary a brain cell to spar. In fact, one could easily consider them as Sharp as Marbles.

The DVD:
Apparently, you can judge a book by its cover, or in this case, a film by its title. If you find the Sharp as Marbles metaphor clever, witty, humorous, or God help you, laugh out loud funny, you'll probably adore this dopey independent comedy. If you think it's the lamest of low brow jest juxtapositions, a "screen door on a submarine" indicator of wit, you'll want to avoid this hopeless mess. With a script by Eric and Steve Vilio and dunderheaded direction by former camera operator John Banovich, this $200K claptrap is definitely a few fluffers away from a porno. Its baffling buddy elements, consisting of a trio of tools that make Moe, Larry, and Curly look like members of MENSA, fail to generate any goodwill, and 90% of the gags are telegraphed 10 scenes in advance. Here's a perfect example: our smug hero George visits the neighboring health supplement supply to get some body image help. When the owner of the shop won't give him a discount, complaining that business is bad, our know-it-all suggests he hire a scantily clad babe. Sure enough, 20 minutes later, a return trip to the emporium finds a bikini clad Miss shilling treadmills...and guess who steps up and buys one of the first. Are you laughing yet?

Stuff like this happens often in Sharp as Marbles. Characters create situations that you know will never pay off, while stereotyping substitutes for depth. When you look at the premise, we see George as the mean spirited dolt who deludes himself into thinking he's a real lady killer. Albert is the good natured goof, the kind of manipulative manchild who falls into fiascos because he's too dumb to avoid the obvious trouble brewing. And last but not least is Ernie, the punchline catalyst, the go to moron when everything else is failing miserably. It's hard to fault the actors. They are simply channeling the chum the Vilios are offering. And since Banovich has no sense of comic timing, every attempt at wit feels like a sledgehammer smashing a baby goat. There are times when Sharp as Marbles misses obvious opportunities. A game of five pin bowling could deliver some requisite physical shtick. Instead, it's a rapidly edited excuse to waste time. When Albert is popped for dope (thanks to a tweaking customer), the bit goes nowhere. Similarly, the video store backdrop gets very little byplay. Aside from a surreal dance video everyone is clamoring for, no other cinematic satire is attempted.

But the biggest problem here remains the movie's own innate cluelessness. Sharp as Marbles actually thinks it's clever. You can see it in every sequence, the bright eyed optimism of a cast that believes it is delivering a series of nonstop guffaws. There are times when the movie picks up some slight steam, as when the boys head out into the woods for some camping complications, and the last act denouements will definitely satisfy anyone whose championed George and the gang's adventures from the very beginning. But in the all important category of giggles, Sharp as Marbles delivers too few, too infrequently. In many ways, this entire enterprise feels like a sitcom gone super sized, jokes that may work on the small screen blown up to elephantine failures on the large. Had we seen something redeemable in how George deems his friends, if Albert was anything other than a mild mannered doormat, if we could just witness a facet of Ernie that didn't involve a form of mild retardation, maybe this movie would work. As it stands, Sharp as Marbles is dull as spit.

The Video:
Who knows? Maverick, the distributor of the DVD, decided to send a DV-R screener copy to this critic for consideration. While the image looked nice, it was letterboxed, and lacking any real relatable aspect ratio. This could easily have been a full frame feature cropped to give the appearance of a theatrical presentation. While the colors are bright and the details definitive, it's impossible to make an informed call without the final product. As such, Sharp as Marbles fails to earn a video rating.

The Audio:
The same thing applies to the sound elements involved. The lack of an actual DVD means that any variations in the aural presentation cannot be judged. Nor can one assume that the screener contains the final mix. Therefore, no audio score is offered.

The Extras:
Nothing, and at this point, it no longer matters. If DVD Talk were reviewing Sharp as Marbles as a film release, that would be one thing. But this is supposedly a preview of the disc the way consumers can obtain it. Without any idea of menu options, possible added content, or how good/bad said bonuses are, it's another 'null set' statement, this time about the extras.

Final Thoughts:
If you haven't guessed by now, Sharp as Marbles failed to make this reviewer laugh. Once. Indeed, it took TWO separate sittings for him to actually get through the film. At 80 minutes, it's 60 too long, and the storyline suffers from repetitive stress disorder - the strain being placed directly on the audience. Earning an easy Skip It, there will be those who defend his junk as genial, good natured nonsense. Taking it for anything other than an amiable romp by a bunch of well intentioned individuals would be far too harsh. Unfortunately, none of those excuses go to the heart of what's actually on the screen. If poorly executed fart jokes make you double over in sidesplitting seizures, if the notion of a disco dancing dipstick gives you uncontrollable chortles, if you just can't help but snicker at a trio of idiots acting like cretins, Sharp as Marbles will make your day. Everyone else will remain frozen in the face of such unfunny, uninspired stupidity.

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