The Plot:
One day, all the people in Central Park stop being metropolitan and start killing themselves. Immediately, the media reacts like it's 9/11, 2.0 and start claiming terrorism. But science teacher Elliot Moore thinks there's more to it than that. Unfortunately, he has little time to test out his theories, as his home turf of Philadelphia is hit. Along with wife Alma, best friend Julian and the man's tween daughter Jess, they head out into the Pennsylvania countryside hoping to avoid the oncoming plague. Meeting up with a bunch of like minded survivors, an odd idea is fostered - perhaps it's the plants causing the crisis. Able to manufacture a toxin that causes hallucinations in humans, the local greenery may be getting even for decades of pollution and mistreatment. As they continue further into the more rural sections of the country, Elliot and Alma come across Mrs. Jones. She's a hermit living in a house far from the maddening crowd. Maybe her luddite living arrangement will keep them safe. Or maybe she's an even more serious threat.

The DVD:
First things first: let's re-title this movie to accurately reflect its value to the world of cinema. The Crappening would be a good new name. Or how about The Hackening, another fine choice. Second, let's silence the ridiculous suggestion (made by Mr. Shyamalan himself) that this is a scary, intense thriller. The only thing frightening about this pathetic pissed off plant idiocy is that anyone greelit it in the first place. And finally, let's make sure the blame is fixed squarely on the back of the man whose been touting his own genius since the moment Bruce Willis realized he was a member of the Heavenly choir. If Lady in the Water was a prescient example of his ego run amok, The Happening is Shyamalan's The Day the Clown Cried. It's an idea that could NEVER work, and yet here is the man behind Unbreakable and The Village trying desperately to get it to function. If you weren't so sure he meant this entire fiasco as a serious fright fest, you'd swear it was an example of a really unhinged sense of humor. People running from strong breezes? Betty Buckley as a bipolar hermit? Zoe Deschanel's tiramisu excuse? It's like an SNL sketch gone all potty.

Unfortunately, it's just as funny as the famed live NBC skit show. The various first act suicides are supposed to be shocking in their randomness - and a couple do work as potential fear factors. When a bunch of beefy construction workers decide to swan dive off the top of a skyscraper, the potential dread is understandable. Equally eerie is a moment when a zoo keeper decides to share a lion's den - with actual man-eating lions. But there are other instances when you know Shyamalan is trying to push our buttons (a pair of teens receive some shotgun fu), and other sequences that simply stray off into the plot padding deep end. Unlike Lady in the Water, which worked tirelessly to try and tie everything together in one big karmic chameleon ball, the director just tosses his filmic feces here, waiting to witness what hits the fan, and what falls to the ground and stinks things up. Clearly, there were more misses than whirling blade contact. Nothing is good - not the performances, not the killings, and definitely not the way it all peters out at the end.

It's safe to say that whatever commercial cache the Sixth Sense/Signs creator had built up in Tinsel Town is now as worthless and spent as coke-smeared cash in a crackwhore's G-string. While one could stereotypically suggest that Shyamalan couldn't get arrested in today's moviemaking market, such TMZ attention would actually do his flagging career some good. Recent reports have him "eager" to revisit his previously disregarded comic book epic Unbreakable. Apparently, the current financial crisis has even affected egotistical auteur's with limited lines of franchise credit. Besides, a guy's gotta eat, and there's only so much DVD love the House of Mouse can give his more successful start-ups. If you don't mind obvious kitsch and schlock, if the concept of killer foliage makes you shudder and shake, if the notion of being taken for a ridiculous ride by a directorial dipstick once cast as the "New Spielberg" (clearly from the Hook era) doesn't bother you, then line up for this Happening. Unlike the similarly named sex and drug orgies of the '60s, this movie will leave you angry and unsatisfied.

The Video:
Presented by Fox in every critic's favorite "Screening Only" review copy format (complete with random logo placement), it's hard to comment on the image here. The transfer offered is impressive, but then again, it's not final product. One hopes the actual 1.85:1 widescreen anamorphic image surpasses the slightly compressed version experienced for this review. Theatrically, the film was open and airy, even in the moments meant to be thrilling and claustrophobic. Here, everything has that mass produced sheen of a press preview disc.

The Audio:
Though information indicates that this screener provides all the necessary sonic situations of the final Fox packaging, this critic will again reserve judgment. The Dolby Digital 5.1 offered was good. The back channels come alive whenever the action starts up, and there are some nicely ambient moments of suspense, but the rest of the time, the speakers hardly spark. The musical score is fine, however, and the dialogue is easily discernible.

The Extras:
If you've seen the commercials on TV, you know that this digital presentation promises "one hour of unseen footage too intense or frightening for theaters". After viewing the 25 minutes of deleted scenes offered, this critic is still waiting for the other shocking 35. The material edited out of The Happening consists of some stupid conversations, a couple of kills, and a moment or two of nicely excessive gore. Naturally, in order to keep within the MPAA mandates, Shyamalan removed them. Elsewhere, there's a pointless featurette about the controversial "porch sequence", a behind the scenes doc, an interview with Betty Buckley (discussing that weirdo whack job Mrs. Jones), and one of those self serving "profiles" of the director onset. Toss in a gag reel, an F/X discussion, and a trailer, and you have a collection of unnecessary supplements. The only thing Fox should have included was a full length audio commentary, with Shyamalan mandated to defend this mess. Clearly, it couldn't be done.

Final Thoughts:
It's hard to put into words how completely terrible The Happening really is. It makes Mike Myers equally horrific The Love Guru look like an exercise in post-Peter Sellers merriment. It gives the makers of Disaster Movie reason to smile, and suggests that Dane Cook isn't the only unnecessary (and untalented) man in all of Hollywood. M Night Shyamalan may claim he's being honest and direct with his flaccid fright flick, but it must be a joke - albeit a devastatingly dopey one. Clearly worthy of nothing more than a Skip It, this will be the film that scholars point to as the moment when its maker dropped the Emperor inspired clothes and proved to be nothing more than a naked ninny running around without a single cinematic clue. Here's hoping the man who made a little boy see dead people rediscovers his motion picture muse. If not, anything he touches will be viewed in the same insane way we see the hack and stack efforts of the drive-in driven '50s. Now that's frightening.

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