THE FILM

I have no idea what prompted writer/director Peter Engert to create "The Valley of Tears," but I'm positive it was a creative itch that didn't need to be scratched. Certainly I've encountered my share of unwatchable cinema, but "Valley of Tears" is, without a doubt, one of the worst. An amateurish festival of idiocy, the picture posits lofty questions of life and death when it really should've been wholly concerned with elementary filmmaking competence. It's a miracle Engert even knew how to turn the camera on.

Adam (Ezra Sutton) is a cop trying to make peace with his tempestuous wife, Eva (Gabriella Gubas, barely hurdling her Hungarian accent). Dealing with these domestic woes and the death of his father, Adam's life is further complicated with the arrival of Lock (Dominick Daniel), a criminal informant who Adam betrayed years back, sending the violent man to prison. Lusting for revenge, Lock kills Adam, sending his spirit into limbo where he's able to observe life on Earth, but cannot participate. Watching the fallout from his death, Adam attempts to help Lock redeem his own life through the power of ghostly suggestion.

My dear readers, I must admit that my mind wandered frequently during the viewing of this film. Here's a picture of such amazingly low quality, it hurts the head to even consider how anyone thought it was worthy of a DVD release. Engert shows no aptitude for basic areas of filmmaking, stumbling through this pedestrian morality tale that, at first, seems like a Christian recruitment vehicle until the F-bombs start flying. The man has no idea where to put his camera, how to make his 10-cent score sound like at least 20 cents, and his editorial chops (with Lorna Chin) create scenes without rhythm or, in some cases, literal purpose. "Valley of Tears" has the production value of the average Vivid Video title, and Engert has no clue how to hide the movie's outrageous flaws.

If there's an entity worse than the hapless direction of "Valley of Tears," it has to be the acting. The cast is primarily made up of amateurs, all of them trying to make sense of the script and retain a sense of cool about them to impress the viewer. All the performances stink in the film. There's not one that rises above monotone stammering and flared-nostril emoting. It's tough to invest in Adam's brooding heavenly call when every single choice made by Sutton results in unintentional laughter. Engert furthers the hilarity with the introduction of Lock's criminal partners, a group that resembles tipsy "Project Runway" contestants more than hardened gangsters. One of these cold-blooded bastards of society fellating a gun barrel does nothing to underline potential butch qualities. I have to assume Enger was asleep for this sequence, otherwise I might start to cry.

THE DVD

Visual, Audio, and Extras:

DVD Talk was only provided with a non-anamorphic screener for review, and image quality on this disc was similar to a video found on YouTube.

No extras were included. The screener packaging promises a Theatrical Trailer, Blooper Reel, Photo Gallery, and an "Animated Hungarian Folk Tale," just in case the whole experience wasn't weird enough.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Well, at least the film is in focus, right? Small miracles can still be counted on to make it through loathsome cinema, but "Valley of Tears" certainly pushes the limit. Battling life and death, right and wrong, the movie runs right into a brick wall, losing any possible appeal through suffocating displays of stupidity. It's the sort of film that cries out for the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" treatment, with severe comedic pressure applied to Engert and his monumental directorial blunders.