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On the Line

Walt Disney Studios Home Entertainment // PG // March 26, 2002

List Price: $29.99 [Buy now and save at Amazon]

Review by Gil Jawetz | posted March 27, 2002 | E-mail the Author

THE STRAIGHT DOPE:
What can one say about On the Line? Normally I wouldn't be as presumptuous as to review a movie starring a pop band like N'Sync since their fans (of which I am certainly not one) are the real audience for the film and my critique would serve no purpose. However, since N'Sync fans stayed away from this movie like they were handing out free samples of the plague with it I think the coast is clear. Other than the twelve people who saw this movie in the theater, everyone else might find themselves mulling over the box at the video store, particularly Sync-er Joey Fatone's embarassing as hell rawk shot (above). How is the movie? Well, if it's not the worst movie ever made, it's certainly not far from it.

Mind you, On the Line isn't offensively bad like, say Moulin Rouge, a film so obnoxious and unintelligent that it can actually induce brain damage. On the Line is more like a harmless nugget that could only have been written and directed by either aliens or little kids. The makers of On the Line show a complete lack of understanding about how virtually everything in our society works, from professions like journalism and advertising to musical genres to the whole concept of love. The story involves a bland dullard named Kevin (N'Sync's Lance Bass) who meets a cutie (Emmanuelle Chriqui) on Chicago's el train but is too wimpy and dim-witted to ask for her name or number. His brilliant idea after beating himself up for his inaction is to make posters saying something like "Are you her? Call Kevin!" and plaster them up all around the city. Incredibly, the fictional Chicago newspaper picks up on Kevin's poster and starts running front page stories about his plight. Hilarity ensues and, finally love blossoms.

The story is practically a spoof of romantic comedies. It contains every lame caricature and cliche. Had the same story been told in a slightly more mature manner with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan no one would have thought anything (not that anyone did anyway). The childishness of the film, however, makes it seem astonishingly stupid. Bass (who executive produced) and Fatone (who has one of the funniest last names ever) are both completely weak screen personalities who look like they might blow away in a slight breeze. Fatone plays a loose cannon rock-and-roller whose idea of hard core thrash consists of the Spin Doctors and Def Leppard. Oh yeah, he also has uncontrollable flatulence. Pretty funny stuff. The best performers in the film are the old pros: Al Green, Dave Foley, and Jerry Stiller. Stiller does his Seinfeld schtick (his loving caress of a photocopy machine is the early highlight) and Foley drops any pretense of acting and just does skit comedy (I think he's playing his Kids in the Hall "girl drink drunk" character). Green, on the other hand, mostly appears as himself in concert, singing some of his best songs energetically and beautifully. That's the funniest thing about this movie: It's an N'Sync movie that seems to know how bad N'Sync is since it doesn't feature much music by the aging boy band and, instead, holds a true artist like Al Green up as the epitome of good music. Maybe the filmmakers know something afterall. It's telling that in a scene where Bass sings along to a Green song while listening to his walkman the young pop star is totally flat and tuneless. These guys are professional singers? I don't think so.

One last thing: Throughout the film you may be left wondering why the other two members of N'Sync - Justin Timberlake (the former Mr. Britney Spears) and Chris Kirkpatrick (the long-in-the-tooth boy) - don't put in cameo appearances. During the closing credits, however, they do. Without giving away too much, their one minute appearance is actually extremely funny and loose and points to what the film could have been if it really cut its ties to the rom-com template. I can honestly say (with only a little bit of shame) that I laughed out loud at this final scene and had to rewind it and watch it again. If not for this final bit, On the Line would be a total waste. Instead, it's worth a rent.

VIDEO:
The anamorphic video looks very good. The print is clean and the transfer is crisp. There a are few minor blemishes but overall it looks fine.

AUDIO:
The Dolby Digital 5.1 audio is also fine. The music is well-produced and crystal clear, if unexciting (although Stewart Copeland's score features yet another overly busy arrangement). The rest of the soundtrack is surprisingly flat, with little ambience. It sounds clean and professional, just a little drab.

EXTRAS:
Director Eric Bross and actress Emmanuelle Chriqui turn in a commentary track apparently geared towards the film's target audience of little kids, which is fine. They discuss filmmaking at the most basic level and don't go into any real depth.

Deleted scenes (with commentary), outtakes, storyboards, director's home video, music video, the making of the music video, a trailer, a typical behind the scenes puff piece, and trailers for a weird assortment of movies including Iron Monkey and Get Over It are all included, upping the value of this disc for the N'Sync fan, but not adding much for most other viewers. There is no real mention anywhere of the film's abominable box office performance.

FINAL THOUGHTS:
I don't want to sound like the Grinch, but On the Line is as stupid a movie as you can make. It doesn't really accomplish the goal of showing the fellas doing what they do, but it does accomplish showing them at all and in this era of pop idols as commodities I guess that was the point.

Email Gil Jawetz at [email protected]

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