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Transylmania
It's not awful. It's just not at all good.
Reviewer's Bias*
Loves: Comedy, Spoofs
Likes: The title
Dislikes:
Hates: Directors who don't get it
The Movie
If Transylmania had been released in the '80s, there's a chance it would be remembered fondly by thirtysomethings today for its slapdash quality and nude breasts, lending it some of the charm it sorely lacks. But it wasn't (in fact, it sat on the shelf for two years before being released in 2009) and it isn't, as it holds the record for the worst-performing film ever to get a wide release. What the distribution company saw in Scott and David Hillenbrand that made them think putting the movie in over 1,000 screens, is an honest-to-goodness mystery requiring Leonard Nimoy to go in search of.
If you've read my review of National Lampoon's Dorm Daze 2, you can stop right here, since you know exactly what you're dealing with here. Just strip that film of the two actresses you'd want back (Danielle Fishel and Vida Guerra) and the National Lampoon name, and transplant it to Transylvania, and you've got essentially the same product. The majority of the cast is back playing the same characters, though it makes no difference if you know that or not (I watched both films, and only realized it when I saw several actors with both film on their IMDB entry, and then matched up the character names.) This time, instead of taking their sex- and/or pot-fueled hi-jinks to sea, they are studying abroad in an ancient castle known for vampires. Sadly, hilarity does not ensue.
The story had possibilities, but tried to put too many balls in the air. Rusty (Oren Skoog) has an internet girlfriend in this foreign land, but she's not as advertised (as is the case for most such relationships), Pete (Patrick Cavanaugh) and Wang (Paul H. Kim) look to get as high as they can as frequently as possible, and Lynne (Jennifer Lyons) and Newmar (Tony Denman) experience sexual incompatibility, before she's possessed by the soul of a dead vampire chick (who, by the way, has a boyfriend who looks just like Rusty, if you can believe that.) On top of all that is the central plot involving a pair of twins, a diminutive dean and some stolen body parts. I'm not sure how this was all supposed to come together, but in the back of my head, the best case scenario would be Clue, and this film is more like Clue-less (and no, not the infinitely better Clueless either.) At this point, let's all go watch Clue and wonder why they are going to remake it.
OK... now that we're back and far happier from having watched Clue, let's wrap this up. (Wait... "Flames, flames, flames...on the side of my face." OK, now we can move on.) Seriously, this movie had the opportunity to just go all out, and not stop at showing boobies and making pot jokes, but it never got much further than mashing together Van Helsing and Underworld in the form of Musetta Vander's sexy professor, Teodora Van Sloan, or making the head of the school an accented little person (one assumes Tony Cox was busy this month.) Why don't we get wacky comedies anymore? At what point did stupid become an acceptable substitute for silly? At not one point did Christopher Lloyd slam his penis in a laptop, yet I'd be willing to say much of the comedy in Clue was even more immature than that seen in this movie, yet it's consistently smarter and more entertaining. Sure the cast has something to do with it (as this flick's acting chops mostly begin and end with Lyons' blond bombshell) but you can see the problems starting at the script and radiating out. If I wasn't afraid of sounding like a hypocrite, I'd make a bad pun about putting a stake in this movie. Oh well...that didn't work.
The DVD
The DVD is a one-disc release, packed in an insert-less standard keepcase. The disc has a static anamorphic widescreen main menu, with options to play the film, select scenes, adjust languages and check out the special features. There are no audio options, while you get three separate subtitle tracks, though all in English, with an English track, and English SDH track and subtitles for the commentary.
The Quality
The anamorphic-widescreen transfer is better than you might expect for a film of this stature, with a rather high level of fine detail, appropriate color and quality black levels. There were no obvious issues with dirt or damage, though you may spot some small problems with digital artifacts in spots.
The Dolby Digital 5.1 track is a weak one, but you get the feeling the creators would claim that's an homage to something shown in film school. There's nothing too impressive about the experience, which just feels appropriate, with the surrounds only saying "Hi" with some minor musical enhancement.
The Extras
The big extra here is an audio commentary featuring the Hillenbrands, and actors Skoogh, Lyons and Vander. If there's anything about the Hillenbrands' films that really annoys me, it's their commentary. Just as it was on Dorm Daze 2, it seems like they don't understand that their films average a 3.6 rating on IMDB. They discuss their films as if they are AFI-certified masterpieces, but on a whole, they just aren't very good. You want to talk about how much work you put into it? Fine. You want to talk about your experiences? Great. Want to stroke your actors or crew? Not a problems. Just tone down it down, and try not to compare yourself to the greats you attempted to mimic. When one of the directors says "we were going for a Moliere, Shakespearean farce," I wanted to punch something. Then, at one point, they reference Avatar, which was released three years after the film was made. At least the actors add some additional voices to the proceedings, letting them share some laughs. If you want a drinking game that will get you completely tanked, listen for every time they describe something as "interesting" (when it most likely is not.)
Up next are alternate opening and endings for the film, presented with or without audio commentary. Oddly, some of the best work on the film ended up cut, including the best joke, but you get to check them out here. The opening would have been hugely different than what ended up in the film, and one could say it might have been better. The ending is probably better off cut, as it's quite forced, even if the concept was inspired (or more to the point inspired by good source material.) There's also another 16 minutes of extended or deleted scenes (19 in all), With these pieces commentary is welcome (and should be necessary for all deleted footage) as you want to know why the scenes are cut.
Just over six minutes of a gag reel brings the idea of entertainment to the table, as they are usually fun, but this one manages to be uninspiring, while the clips of James DeBello, whom the film wants to be a star, confirm just what you were thinking of him after watching the movie. There's also a sub-two minute behind the scenes featurette that has all the makings of a lame EPK production, right down to the sign-off.
The proceedings wrap up with a collection of six previews, including one called the "Stoner Trailer," featuring Pete and Wang, which was shot well after the film wrapped, focusing on their drug-laced roles in the film.
The Bottom Line
I honestly really like the title of this movie. Boy, would I have enjoyed a different film with the same title. Hell, I would have taken a remake of Transylvania 6-5000 with this title, starring Chris Tucker and DJ Qualls. Like I said at the beginning, it's not awful, but it's certainly not good by any definition. It's just kind of there. The DVD looks and sounds just fine, as unimpressive as the film itself, and the extras are just more of the stuff you're likely to not enjoy in the film. There's an audience for movies like this, but I'm hoping you're not part of it.
Francis Rizzo III is a native Long Islander, where he works in academia. In his spare time, he enjoys watching hockey, writing and spending time with his wife, daughter and puppy.Follow him on Twitter
*The Reviewer's Bias section is an attempt to help readers use the review to its best effect. By knowing where the reviewer's biases lie on the film's subject matter, one can read the review with the right mindset.
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