THE STRAIGHT DOPE:
There's a theory floating around my house about last year's
unbelievably
bad Swept Away. It goes something like this: Self-satisfied Guy
Ritchie, hot, young director of such shallow but stylish films as
Snatch and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels finds
himself the target of the affections of noted Anglophile Madonna, badly
in need of some career edge. Not knowing any better (and temporarily
forgetting Madonna's history of mind-manipulation), Ritchie enters into
something of a relationship. Soon Madonna is pregnant, which leads to a
wedding, which is soon followed by the revelation that Madonna is not
actually pregnant. The oldest trick in the book, performed by a master
trickster. Score one for Madonna! Now she can star in cool, hip, edgy
films instead of dreck like The Next Best Thing.
What Madonna
doesn't count on, however, is Ritchie's own evil genius. Apparently
willing to scuttle his own career, Ritchie writes and directs a film in
which he does everything possible to make his own wife look as ugly,
rotten and despicable as possible. Not in a glamorous, sinister Cruella
DeVille sort of way, mind you, but in an unflattering, sour way. He manages to make the film both mind-numbingly predictable
and seemingly random. He fills the film with jokes but injects zero humor. He basically throws the game.
Ritchie
probably hoped that the career suicide that is
Swept Away would only be temporary. While his ability to come back from Ed Wood oblivion remains to be
seen, there is no doubt that Swept Away is one of the most
putrid, wrong-headed, disastrous pieces of celluloid ever to foul up a
projector. And keep in mind that I'm the kind of guy who loves Mariah
Carey's Glitter for its schlock appeal. There is none of the
playful, embarrassing unintentional comedy of films like Road
House or Staying Alive in Swept Away, even
though I
was hoping that there would be. Madonna is far too self-important to
allow for humor, either intended or not. The moment the movie starts,
with a typical Ritchie montage of wealth and luxury, it's clear that
the film has to soul. The story may be about a rich woman and a poor
guy
butting heads on their way to finding love, but the ultra-cliche plot
should still allow for some fun along the road. Instead we get Madonna
and the equally terrible Adriano Giannini mugging, hollering, feuding
and, finally, discovering their true feelings. Gag me with a
spoon!
While it's easy to believe Madonna as the horrible spoiled brat she
starts the movie playing, her transformation is tougher to swallow. By
the time she's kissing a fish (still wriggling on a spear, by the way,
possibly as a symbol for the few audience members still squirming in
their seats) her character has veered so far off from the land of
believability that there's nothing to do but shake your head.
If
you have any inkling you might enjoy Swept Away, your decision
is
your own. Don't say I didn't warn you. If the film genuinely appeals to
you then there's little I can say. But if you're like me and enjoy
seeing a pop goddess in a campy queen-fest, then drop the film
immediately. It will only serve to depress you. My only hope is that
somehow Madonna and Ritchie really do get stranded on a deserted island
together and never make another film again.
VIDEO:
The picture is crisp and fine, although Ritchie's sun-bleached
cinematography has a too-bright look that often appears washed out on a
television screen. It is anamorphic widescreen.
AUDIO:
The Dolby Digital 5.1 mix is fine, if unexciting. There is also a Dolby
Digital 2.0 French track that sounds fine. English and French subtitles are
available.
EXTRAS:
Some of the special features help illustrate why the movie is so bad.
First off, the commentary (by Ritchie and producer Matthew Vaughn) contains
numerous moments where the writer/director expresses his disdain for
the
original film. Then why remake it? Seems a doomed choice.
The incredibly obnoxious
behind-the-scenes special is as bad as the movie, with Ritchie and
Madonna "interviewing" each other. I'm afraid to say that this piece only
serves to further our theory since Ritchie's hatred of his wife seems
to
bubble very close to the surface and Madonna's patronizing behavior
(and
weird faux-British mannerisms) grate on the viewer's nerves.
An endless stream of deleted scenes does nothing to improve the film
although Ritchie's commentary contains observations such as the reason
he cut an early scene: "It was fucking boring." Then how did he decide
what to keep?
Filmographies and trailers for Swept Away, Maid in
Manhattan, Punch-Drunk Love and Snatch are also
available.
FINAL THOUGHTS:
In case you couldn't tell, I really hated this movie. I wouldn't wish
it
on my worst enemies. Swept Away is too bad even for Mystery
Science Theater 3000, since it's doubtful Tom Servo, Crow and company
could find anything to say other than "This really stinks." If you want
to suck the life out of an evening then go ahead and watch Swept
Away. Otherwise steer clear.
Buy: