I usually write my reviews immediately after viewing the DVDs, but in the case of this Deep Vision 3-D double feature, I have waited a few days. Why, you ask? Because that's how long it took to get over the intense migraine I got from trying to watch these films. In addition to the 3-D glasses, the DVD should come with a few Excedrin and a cool ice pack.
It's rare that you'll see a movie so bad that you can't make heads or tails of it…and I suppose even rarer that two such films should appear on the same DVD. Yes, these films are not only horribly dull – they're completely incomprehensible. Of course, I did have to get up and clear my head a few times from the nausea the glasses were giving me…so maybe I just missed the really good stuff!
The first film on this DVD is entitled M-3D: The Movie, and trust me folks, the story is just as confusing as the title. Directed by porn producer/director/occasional actor William Margold (who uses the non de plume "Norm DePlume" here…how creative!), I knew M-3D was in trouble when at about the five-minute mark, a group of Roman soldiers stormed the Southern California beach looking for action. (Okay…the box cover claims that they are Greek soldiers, but damn it, they look like Romans to me!) There's also something going on about a mad scientist, a guy in a bunny suit, a guy in a chicken suit, and an occasional bare-chested lady here and there…marking perhaps the first time in my life that a topless lady made me sick to my stomach – well, not counting this year's Super Bowl.
As for Movie #2, it's equally bad, and entitled The Playmates. Which initially sounds like it might be a better movie, until you realize that these "Playmates" were filmed back in 1973 and are probably collecting their Social Security right about now. The 3-D is actually just a tad clearer in this film, perhaps because M-3D is presented letterboxed (but not anamoprhic), while The Playmates is full-frame.
I suppose if the 3-D actually worked (it kind of works…but results in a blurry, washed-out, almost black & white picture) these movies might hold a lot more appeal. Sure, they would still be bad, but at least your head wouldn't spin like you just downed a bottle of Jack Daniels in your attempt to try and watch them.
Both movies are crammed onto one DVD, and boy does it show. The colors are almost completely washed-out, and there is dirt and grain all over the print. Apparently, no effort whatsoever went into transferring these titles to the digital format. Video on DVD doesn't get much worse than this.
The audio is presented in 2.0 Dolby – which I suppose is a surprise, since everything else on this DVD is so poor. But don't get your hopes up here either, the audio sounds like it's coming through a wind tunnel, and there are lots of pops and hissing evident throughout.
I have no idea who Luke Y. Thompson is, or why he was asked to do an Audio Commentary for M-3D. But if you'd enjoy listening to someone who sounds like they are channeling "Butthead" from MTV's Beavis & Butthead, you might enjoy this track. Hey, it's better than the actual movie…just barely though!
Other extras include a William Margold Biography and a Photo Gallery for M-3D (hey, it has the clearest pictures on the whole DVD!). And, of course, you also get two stylish pairs of paper-thin blue/red 3-D glasses…be careful, a strong wind could tear them in half!
THE BOTTOM LINE
Be afraid…be very afraid. Under no circumstances allow this DVD to become part of your collection. If a relative buys it for you as a gift, disown them. If a friend recommends it, they are plotting against you. And if on the off chance you actually enjoy this DVD, don't seek me out…seek therapy.