Bite Me!
POPcinema // R // $19.99 // October 12, 2004
Review by G. Noel Gross | posted December 13, 2004
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Graphical Version
CineSchlock-O-Rama
Short Takes

No-budget auteur Brett Piper answers Arachnia, his delightful Harryhausenian critter crawl, with this equally amusing stop-motion throwback set against the salacious stage of the Go-Go-Sarus. Boy, oh boy, only Seduction Cinema would craft a creature feature about a strip joint infested with bloodsucking spider thingies that are somehow the mutant byproduct of "super-potent killer weed." (Hmmm. The real influence of Mary Jane more likely manifested at the script stage!) While B-sirens Misty Mundae and Julian Wells admirably pole dance their heavenly hearts out, it's Mr. Piper's skittering B-U-G-S that truly earn tiny thongs stuffed full of twenties. Brett also provides super-ham John Fedele the long-illusive means to exercise his crazed comedic demons -- not to mention a spectacular final-reel transmutation any screen hog would squeal for! Be certain to join CineSchlock-O-Rama's latest muse, Ms. Erika Smith, for a video road trip to the world premiere of the rising starlet's first feature at Rue Morgue's Festival of Fear. Plus, in two other reels, Mr. Piper shows off his meticulous handiwork and Ms. Mundae reluctantly realizes she's been "pigeonholed." Eight breasts. Four corpses. Reefer madness. Inspired headlights-to-headlights transition. Gratuitous shower scene. Ill-advised cigarette secreting. Rampant bug squishing. Gratuitous Not-zilla. Car rolling. Pistol whipping. Multiple brawls. Misty eyes the bottom line: "You're very sweet honey, but you don't feed the g-string!"

2004, 85 mins, Fullframe, DD 2.0, Featurettes [45 mins], CKY music video and "making of" featuring MTV misfit Bam Margera [10 mins], Trailer vault.

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G. Noel Gross is a Dallas graphic designer and avowed Drive-In Mutant who specializes in scribbling B-movie reviews. Noel is inspired by Joe Bob Briggs and his gospel of blood, breasts and beasts.


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