Dear Tara Reid,
I'm just dropping you a line to ask if I could possibly have an hour and 35 minutes of my life back. I know you're probably not in the habit of handing out refunds of either money or time (given your filmography though, it's probably a practice you should look into, especially since IMDb tells me you've got a whopping five films pending) but I really feel like I deserve something other than what I got when I sat down to enjoy your latest attempt at acting, Silent Partner. It's a delightful romp through Russia — Woo-hoo! Moldy Cold War shenanigans! — in which (and here, I simply must quote the evocative prose featured on the DVD case) "a young CIA analyst is assigned to investigate the mysterious death of a major Russian political figure."

But it gets super fun when said CIA analyst, Gordon Patrick (Nick Moran, having fallen far and hard from Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels), winds up in cahoots with Dina (hey — that's you, Tara!), a sizzling hot prostitute with the shoddiest accent this side of Leningrad who leads 'ol Gordon on (and I quote) "a perilous journey of no return: where organized crime, assassinations, deadly betrayal and political corruption at the highest level are just the tip of the iceberg." Whee! Director/co-writer James Deck obviously felt that Russians were getting short shrift when it came to C-level thrillers, so thankfully he rectified that.

I was really glad that the case pointed out that Silent Partner was "a fast-paced action thriller" (their italics) and that (most amusingly) there's "no where to run!" and "no where to hide!" (again, their italics), 'cause I might not have picked up on that little fact, if I'd, y'know, like blacked out or something during the film. Which would've been easy to do, since I was drinking heavily to dull the pain of this wretched little flick. I can't really understand why it is that you decided to make the film Silent Partner, Tara; I mean, maybe you got a sweet European vaykay out of the deal, but your Russian accent is the funniest thing I've heard since I tried to teach my dog to talk. Not that anybody else in the cast really outshines you: Moran struggles mightily to hold onto his American accent, while Gregg Henry shows up to grab his paycheck and chew on a little scenery.

Anywho, just wanted to say hey, what's up and figure out what's goin' on with ya — I kinda felt like you'd found your niche with that funny reality show "Taradise," why did you give up on that? I'd maybe try and wipe this little flick off your resume ... seriously, for all of us.
Sincerely, your pal Preston

The Video:

The creative team may have skimped on important stuff like, I dunno, the screenplay, but you can't fault the image: Silent Partner is presented with a pretty sharp 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen transfer that handles the drab palette and dimly lit scenes of intrigue well. A very smooth visual representation.

As goes the visuals, so goes the audio: Silent Partner is outfitted with a fairly active Dolby Digital 5.1 soundtrack, so that every gasp, explosion and deadly ... serious ... utterance ... is heard in painful, crystal clarity. A Dolby stereo 2.0 soundtrack is also on board.

Amusingly enough, none of the filmmakers elected to go on the record and defend their baby — the only bonus feature here is the ludicrously overheated theatrical trailer.

Um, well, Silent Partner will probably appeal to a very, very narrow slice of the population — that would be those who really dig seeing Tara Reid in a minimal amount of clothing and people who just need something, anything, to distract themselves from the world around them. I can't recommend highly enough that you skip this one.