I could pretty much stop the review right there, and...oh, if you only knew how desperately I want to.
Disaster Movie is
So, yeah. It's yet another Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg sarcastic-fingerquotes "comedy", and if you haven't mashed the 'Back' button on your web browser already, the smart money says you know how it goes by now: fast forward through a bunch of trailers of overpriced movies coming out over the next few months, doll up a couple of low-rent actors as those big-budget movie stars, and then whack 'em over the head with a frying pan or something. I mean, one of the very first gags in the movie has Flava Flav leaping out of our hero's bed. Oh, there isn't a punchline or anything: it's just "look! It's Flava Flav!" In case the viking hat and clock-on-a-chain aren't enough to clue you in who he's supposed to be, though, he helpfully shouts, "Flava Flav! Yeah, booooooooy! I'm Flava Flav! Flava of Love. I'm Flava Flav!" There's a joke about sucking his clock or something in there too, but...whatever. Disaster Movie chucks out those sorts of references to dozens and dozens of different TV shows and movies, and it helpfully overexplains every last one of 'em.
Hairy Girls Gone Wild! Get it? It's like Girls Gone Wild, only this girl's hairy! Hey, remember that part in Juno where she's talking on that hamburger phone? There's a part like that in Disaster Movie too, only there isn't a...y'know, joke or anything. It's nothing but a shot of Juno talking on a hamburger phone, just like in that other movie! Wait, wait, wait. That girl's white, but she just said "off the chiz-ain"! Now that girl from Mad TV said she has a yeast infection and just pulled a big roll of sourdough out of her dress! Oh no!!! Indiana Jones is kind of a tall white guy in those other DVDs or whatever, but in Disaster Movie, he's, like, three foot tall and black, and he keeps spouting off the names of a bunch of different V.D.s over and over again! What else do you have in here? Iron Man steps into frame and bellows "I am Iron Man!" before being smashed into a tin can by a flying cow. There's even a Michael Jackson joke in here. Why not dust off the Dancing Itos while you're at it?
Oh, and when Seltzer and Friedberg run out of movie trailers to quote, they'll throw in some really, really long and pointless scenes to pad the flick out to its contractually mandated minimum runtime. One particularly painful bit has pretty much every surviving character from Disaster Movie breakdancing one by one. A riff on Alvin and the Chipmunks is bloated with three songs before they go rabid and gnaw on our heroes' balls for what sure as hell feels like six minutes straight.
It kinda goes without saying there's not a single laugh buried anywhere in here. Disaster Movie's been standing strong for months now as the lowest rated of the more than half million flicks on the Internet Movie Database, and...yeah. I mean, I paid to see Ghost Dad theatrically, there's a Killer Tomatoes shrine about twenty feet from where I'm sitting right now, and...c'mon, you've seen what I usually review. When I say that Disaster Movie might be the single worst flick I've ever subjected myself to, I really do mean it. Skip It.
Disaster Movie looks okay, I guess, in high-def. Stacked next to a DVD, it's better defined, more detailed...that whole routine...but you probably shouldn't bank on much visual polish for a flick that was churned out from script to screen in five months flat. The photography is a bit softer than usual and has kind of a gritty, rough-hewn look to it. Colors tend to be pretty lifeless, leaning most of the time towards the sorts of dull pastels you'll see piled into the cut-out bin at T.J. Maxx. Meh.
Rambling technical specs...? 1.78:1. AVC encoded. Dual-layer Blu-ray disc.
It's a Lionsgate flick, so yeah: another 24-bit, 7.1 DTS-HD Master Audio track. If you're just staring slackjawed at bitrate meters or whatever, Disaster Movie might sound pretty impressive, but if you're actually listening to it...? Not so much. The sound design's actually pretty solid: the surrounds are hypercaffeinated, there are lotsa smooth pans from channel to channel, and the...well, disasters keep the subwoofer rattling. There's a hell of a low-end, yeah, but everything else in the mix sounds unusually flat and dull. That sense of distinctness and clarity I'm used to hear in lossless soundtracks is chucked out the driver's side window, and although you could kinda point to this as a plus, Disaster Movie's dialogue is dialed down pretty low. 'Smediocre.
Subtitles are the only other audio options this time around, piling on streams in English (traditional and SDH) and Spanish.
The good news, I guess...? All the extras are in high definition. The bad...? They're -- astonishingly! -- kind of a waste of time straight across the board.
I mean...I feel like I need to put this in perspective or something. Click here and skim through that list of some of my other reviews for a sec. If it's been up for eight Razzies, I've probably seen it. Ditto if it's on the IMDb's bottom 100 or if it's tunneling under the 10% mark on Rotten Tomatoes. I've subjected myself over and over again to the most unwatchable shit ever dumped onto a film canister, and I really do mean it when I say that Disaster Movie might get the nod as the single worst flick I've ever suffered through. No. Just...no. Skip It.