Though we get the easy joke, you've got to give credit to co-writer/directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer for two things. Firstly, thanks for lobbing us an easy one with that title, in case we want to riff on it in our reviews, and I guess thanks for making a movie that really does suck, a whole bunch, so that we may take advantage of the aforementioned lob. And it seems we probably should, since, less a satire of the current media craze for vampires, and more a half-hearted spoof on Twilight, Vampires Suck sacrifices laughs for plot, missing the entertainment mark by a mile on both counts.
Friedberg and Seltzer might not exactly be household names to Joe Blow out there, but you'll recognize their output, in that they're responsible for nearly every modern spoof movie from Scary Movie straight into the DVD gutter. Taking up where the notorious Zucker/Abrahams/Zucker triumvirate (Airplane!) left off, Friedberg and Seltzer at first got it right, cramming their films with references to numerous movies and plenty of zany humor. However as their careers drag on they seem to have forgotten from whence they came, as jokes come more and more infrequently and attempts to instill their movies with plot render their efforts limp. They've reached a sort-of nadir with Vampires Suck, a movie that can only appeal to - and insult - the Twilight target audience. That's certainly a large group of people, but not one likely to flock to a movie skewering their totemic object of devotion. It doesn't leave much room for failure, does it?
Sadly, the movie pulled in almost 80 million dollars worldwide, quadrupling its production costs, and cementing the idea that tired ideas turned into crap is a viable Hollywood business model. Of course no one listens to we woeful critics, who - over at Rotten Tomatoes - have lambasted the movie with a 4% positive rating. But I know you, dear reader, will heed my advice, and rent this dog at your own peril. In fact you're only likely to rent it if you've been living inside a tree for the last ten years, so for those few of you, I'll clue you in a bit. Twilight is about a teenaged girl forced to move to a small Washington logging town, wherein her virginal hotness attracts not only the local vampires, but also werewolves. Torn between two super-hot hotties; the pale, pouty vampire and the virile, Native American werewolf, heroine Bella must decide to whom she wants to give it up. High School girls and Middle Aged Women the world over became way confused by this enchanting plot, and Series Novelist Stephanie Meyer lined up behind J.K. Rowling to become a billionaire.
Pretty much the same stuff happens in Vampires Suck only this time around it's dull and tedious. In fact Friedberg and Seltzer seem to point out that Twilight itself is kind of tedious, missing the connection that a parody of tediousness is itself going to be tedious. Taking into account the narrow purview of Suck we're left with a smattering of gags predicated on boneheaded literal interpretations of figures of speech, (much to the delight of 5-year-old punsters everywhere) and jokes bluntly stating the obvious, pounded home by characters breaking the fourth wall. Though every now and then casually tossed out lines like, "damn, girl, you look really boring and frigid ... do you wanna go to the prom?" drag out a laugh, and knowing bits such as likening a group of evil vampires to the pop group Black Eyed Peas might make you chuckle, that stuff is too few and far between. Not even the eerily amusing Ken Jeong as evil vampire Daro can save a movie that culminates with a naked, sparkly vampire sporting a disco ball where his owns should be.