Please Note: The stills used here are taken from promotional materials, not the Blu-ray edition under review.
If you've ever been on the fence about having kids, seeing The Babymakers will make up your mind. Not because it features toddlers doing cute and/or annoying things (is there a difference?), there are actually very few children in the movie. The Babymakers will make up your mind because it's so bad, you'll never want to reproduce for fear that one of your progeny will turn out to be the kind of humor-impaired Idiocracy-extra who will find The Babymakers funny.
Because it's not funny. Not at all. Not even a smidge. Never cracked a smile. Not this guy. Not once.
The Babymakers is the latest from Jay Chandrasekhar, a member of the Broken Lizard comedy collective and director of Super Troopers. Chandrasekhar casts himself in a supporting role here, playing criminal mastermind Ron Jon, and I don't think it's a coincidence that the director spends most of the movie wearing sweat-drenched clothes. He's in a flop and he knows it.
Writing too much about The Babymakers is kind of a waste of time. There are only so many ways to explain that something is completely devoid of any laughs whatsoever. The essential plot is this: Parks and Recreation's Paul Schneider has been married to Magic Mike and Newsroom-actress Olivia Munn for three years. That means they have hit their deadline for having kids. Only, now that the time has come, Schneider's swimmers aren't up for the job. He knows that once upon a time they actually were, because he paid for Munn's engagement ring by making sperm bank deposits. In hopes of salvaging his dreams of a family, Paul Schneider decides to break into the bank and steal back the last vial (which I just misspelled as "vile," Freudian slip) with his idiot friends, and they hire Chandrasekhar to help them do it. There are also some women in the movie, but they are either on screen to show their breasts or to gossip. You know, like women do. Have you ever met any that do different?
Here's some of what The Babymakers tries to pass off as funny:
Did any of that make you laugh? I hope not. If it did, too bad, you're not going to want to see The Babymakers anyway, because I spoiled all the jokes that are in the movie. You have no surprises left.
The only people who I feel almost as sorry for as I do any movie fan who has suffered through The Babymakers is the cast who somehow got roped into making this. There are a lot of good people here. I really like Paul Schneider and Olivia Munn, and there are bit parts with Aisha Tyler, Constance Zimmer (who already survived being on 21 episodes of Entourage), Collette Wolf, and the dude who played Avon Barksdale on The Wire (who I am pretty sure is just there because someone thought it would be cool to have Avon Barksdale hanging around on set for a couple of scenes). I'll give all these guys credit, they really go for it. They try to drive this material home as hard as they can. Too bad it doesn't matter how good the hammer is, if the nails are made out of rubber, you're never going to break through.
Spanish subtitles are provided, as is English Closed Captioning.
Come on. You know I'm right.