VICTORY OVER VHS OBLIVION! Forty-nine weeks on the lam were hard on this ol' girl. But a capture for CineSchlock-O-Rama's Most Wanted is still worth celebrating even if it arrives emaciated and a third-dimension shy.
JAWS 3: Blow'd up. Electrocuted. The Jason Voorhees of the deep is back and still REALLY hungry. Chief Brody's sons (Dennis Quaid and John Putch) are shark bait at Florida's Sea World when a baby Great White croaks in captivity and its mighty big mama becomes an unscheduled attraction. In theaters, this lent to a couple dozen neato 3-D gags such as when a park diver gets munched and his gnarled, severed arm floats toward the audience. However, in this grainy 2-D transfer, such novelties are not only neutered, they look as though they've been projected through a rusty screen door. Those willing to tough it out are still in for riotous footage of tourists, in submerged glass tunnels, howling in horror as our not-so-pretty fishy, ahem, FEEDS!!! Comely Bess Armstrong plays Sea World's dolphin wrangler who learns a lot more about sharks than she really wants and let's hand it to Simon MacCorkindale of "Falcon Crest" for saving the day the hard way. Just how'd anyone convince Sea World Orlando's owners to stage a nature-run-amok flick on its grounds? It helps that Universal Pictures was an early adopter of corporate "synergy." Bizarre way to promote a tourist destination, eh? CineSchlockers will recall Deep Blue Sea spectacularly cribbed the climatic scene where our 35-foot beastie barrels snout-first into a pressurized glass control room. (It's also far and away the finest Jaws sequel not to actually be one.) No breasts. Five corpses. Gratuitous beeper talk. Bar-room brawling as foreplay. Hula dancing. Gratuitous Lou Gossett Jr. Wild golf cart driving. Killer shark cam. One fish decapitation. Marvel as a bumper-boat patron actually hollers, "IT'S GONNA EAT US!!!" (1983, 99 mins, 2.35:1 anam, DD 2.0, Trailers.)
Check out CineSchlock-O-Rama
for additional reviews and bonus features.
G. Noel Gross is a Dallas graphic designer and avowed Drive-In Mutant who specializes in scribbling B-movie reviews. Noel is inspired by Joe Bob Briggs and his gospel of blood, breasts and beasts.