Short Takes

"Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time." So confesses producer Jon Davison on a commentary he shares with famed-FX-wizard turned first-time-director Phil Tippett and screenwriter Ed Neumeier. All of whom worked on the original and darn sure should've known better! No, not because they dared mount a sequel. In truth, yours truly gleefully squealed like a schoolgirl upon first hearing their plans. CineSchlockers LOVE sequels, the more the better, but only if they're ENTERTAINING and possess some passing inkling of what's beloved about the first picture. Its characters, its lore, heck, even its soundtrack! Here, Paul Verhoeven's fiendishly subversive, gloriously gruesome space opera is usurped by an interstellar Cowboys 'n' Indians relic that makes John Carpenter's abysmal Ghosts of Mars appear divinely inspired. Replace Martian cannibals with gobs of Marine-munching insects, lock the tired mess down in the boiler room of the nearest YMCA and the two unintentional disaster epics could be genre-confused kissin' cousins. Brenda Strong returns as a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CHARACTER who chomps on a cee-gar and, in an ill-timed wash of final-reel gore, relieves a bodysnatched cohort of his noggin and thrusts it into the camera. Uh-oh! Then there's Richard Burgi, said "Hero of the Federation," who looks an awful lot like "Survivor" schemer Richard Hatch. Though, thankfully, with more clothes. Speaking of nekkidness, sorry dear CineSchlockers, hold no hope for another coed shower scene. But bless Ms. Kelly Carlson for doing her part to compensate as a randy young private who, ahem, ain't afraid to bare hers. Two breasts. 16 corpses. Value-sized bug zapper. Gratuitous "Itsy-Bitsy Spider" riff. Puking. Ol' microwave splatter gag. Multiple gun battles. Recycled footage. Fingers tumble. Insectoid soul smooching. Might've been a better movie were this true: "No wonder we're losing this war! Everyone's f@#&ing instead of fighting!!!" (2004, 92 mins, 1.85:1 anam, DTS & DD 5.1, Commentary, On-set featurette with visit by Ray Harryhausen!?!, CGI reel, Photos, Trailers.)