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Reviews » DVD Video Reviews » Final Voyage: Special Edition
Final Voyage: Special Edition
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Review by G. Noel Gross | posted November 12, 2000 | E-mail the Author
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CineSchlock-O-Rama

She doesn't get nekkid in this one either. Playboy Playmate and original "Baywatch" babe Erika Eleniak made TWO movies with B(reast)-auteur Jim Wynorski without showing much skin at all. Maybe THAT's why he used his Jay Andrews pseudonym in the credits for both. He was ashamed! The least Jimbo could have done is have her pop out of another giant cake. Both Stealth Fighter and Final Voyage (1999, 95 minutes) costar THE hardest working actor in genre films today -- Ice-T. But the REAL star of this flick is the lovely Claudia Christian as a guns 'n' leather terrorist.

The movie: Bodyguard Aaron Carpenter (Dylan Walsh) has been assigned to protect the buxom, blonde daughter of a billionaire. He's hoping it goes better than his last gig, when he nearly gave his elderly client a coronary while foiling a hijacking attempt. Gloria (Eleniak) has a much stronger ticker, as she likes to do loop d'loops in her plane while making bedroom eyes at Aaron. The two embark on a voyage aboard a restored cruise ship, and just when thinks might start to get cozy, Ice-T shows up with his goons and goonette Max (Christian). They want to loot the ship's vault, that's stuffed with all the rich passenger's loot, but can't seem to execute the plan, even with a full team of paratroopers. Ice looks damn slick in his duds, though, and seems to know what he's doing when ordering folks around. Still, where's the money? Naturally, Aaron decides to start whuppin' terrorist hiney, yet for some reason decides it's a keen idea to drag a jiggling Gloria along in her cocktail dress and heels. And uh-oh! The Britannic just sprung a leak. Drive-In Mutants will remember Aaron's love interest Teri (Heidi Schanz) from her steamy romp in Body Language. Also, look for Dinosaur Island star Richard Gabai as, ahem, a seamen.

Notables: No breasts. 31 dead bodies. Airborne gun battle. Fire extinguisher to the gut. Fist fighting. Death by steam cleaning. Multiple explosions. Low-rent CGI effects. Cleaver to the cranium. Flying frogmen.

Quotables: The gay flight attendant tells an aging screen siren (Terry Moore) what's wrong with modern movies, "Now days it's just BANG! BANG! ACTION! ACTION! ACTION!" (In two words: This movie.) Catty Teri on Max's wardrobe, "I like her outfit. There's something about silicone and leather, don't you think?" Ice-T's big scene, "Hello ladies and gentleman, I'll be taking over the emcee responsibilities for a little while. The individuals you see around you with the weapons are my associates and we will be your terrorists for this evening. Please allow me to apologize in advance -- I don't have any prophetic quotes from Nietzsche, or any glib repartee to share with you. Nor do I care to placate you with stupid jargon like, 'Just do what we say, and you'll be OK.' To tell you the truth, I could care less if any of you make it off here alive." And Jasper is full of comic relief, "I know this ship like a dog knows a fire hydrant."

Time codes: Skinemax queen Nikki Fritz as a CLOTHED stewardess (4:25). Erika joins the picture (10:23). Blonde bimbo in red lingerie wants to be "schmoozed" (22:30). "Hey! What kinda explosives are these again?" (28:46). Claudia's stunt breast nearly falls out (41:04). Cheesy FX Alert: Cocktail pulled along bar with fishing line (1:24:40).

Audio/Video: Clean fullframe transfer that only suffers during the stock-footage scenes. Features both Dolby Digital 5.1 and 2.0 tracks. The 5.1 mix especially highlights the gunplay and rumbling score.

Extras: The best reason to get this disc is an absolutely hilarious commentary track by Wynorski (as Jay Andrews) and Claudia Christian. They have EXACTLY the right attitude. Jim throws out nuggets of info: points out the producers boyfriend in a shot; the life preserver that has the ship's name misspelled in another; and tells how Heidi Schanz refused to loop her lines and whined about not ending up with the hero in the end. Claudia giggles through the whole track, really giving Jim a hard time about the movie and especially caps on Ice-T's inability to deliver his lines without multiple takes. Both have an excellent time together and we right along with them. There are animated menus with robust score samples. Motion-video scene selection. Cast bios (have a look at producer Noble Henry's file for some really fine fiction). Trailer.

Final thought: Average straight-to-video actioner with a truly stellar commentary track. An absolute must-listen for Wynorski fans. Highly Recommended.

G. Noel Gross is a Dallas graphic designer and avowed Drive-In Mutant who specializes in scribbling B-movie reviews. Noel is inspired by Joe Bob Briggs and his gospel of blood, breasts and beasts.

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