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Britney and Kevin: Chaotic (CD+DVD)

BMG Video // Unrated // September 27, 2005
List Price: $19.99 [Buy now and save at Amazon]

Review by Aaron Beierle | posted October 7, 2005 | E-mail the Author
The Movie:

The absolute wreckiest of train wreck television, "Britney & Kevin: Chaotic" stands out as potentially the worst television show I've ever seen, and I'm guessing could also qualify as the very worst ever put on network television. It's not that I didn't give the show a chance: I've enjoyed "Newlyweds" and other reality TV shows. This makes "Newlyweds" look really, really, really, really brilliant by comparison. Really, really....really brilliant.

"Chaotic" is, to say it like Britney would, like, ohmahgod, something that she came up with like, because she had a camera and like, was lonely on tour or something (Read: "The Focus Must Be On Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. ME!") Britney, who operates a camera with less skill than the average 3-year-old, often sticks the camera so close to her face or whoever she's filming that it's a good chance we're going to spot a few unpleasant nose hairs or, almost as scary, a few of Britney's pores. Most of the time, Britney operates the camera with the kind of instability one might have after about a thousand Starbucks coffees, enough so that the show should come with motion sickness warnings. "COPS" has steadier camerawork, and those people are running.

But really, what can you say about a show whose first shot is of the "star"'s knees, as she ponders that they "look like boobs" and then giggles as if it's the damn funniest thing that she's ever heard. "Chaotic" opens with Britney doing a promotional tour of the UK, revealing that the innocent Britney of years past is just a distant memory, with classy statements like telling her assistant that she "needs to get laid because she's getting on everyone's nerves" and asking everyone within shouting distance about their favorite sex position. She takes us through her place, showing off her grand piano and other goodies, noting that she's spoiled and that "it's all just too much for little ol' me." Awww - lets all shed a tear for Brit!

Then Kevin Federline (Oh, I'm sorry - K-Fed) arrives on the scene and Little Miss Britney has fallen in love (in other words, the two forces of evil have joined together. Like, or something.) Kevin also shares his feelings: "Love is what it's......................................... (wait for it)....................(go to the fridge and get a snack, give it another moment)......everything."
Oh, but by the second episode (and, lets keep in mind that, while the first episode was longer, the others are about 18 minutes) there's trouble in paradise, yo. K-Fed asks Britney a series of riveting, insightful questions (uh huh) and she responds with: "My love doesn't scare me. Other people's love scares me." Ummmmmm.....excuse me? What? There's also amusing footage of Britney freaking out in an airplane and telling someone to shut off the camera. However, having the camera on her during this moment is like, keeping it real. Right! Right? Yeah. Right.

The third episode opens with Britney telling Kevin that she loves him and Kevin looking at her silently and curiously, as if she's speaking an entirely different language. We also get Britney offering "Deep Thoughts": "All we do is in a bunch of different moments." My head hurts. Oh, but back to the drama: Britney is like, all pissed that Kevin didn't respond to her and she's like, behind an emotional wall and stuff. See Britney try to express her feelings to Kevin, telling him things like, "I could kick your ass", and that, "as much aggression as I have in me, I could kick any boy's ass." Need anger management much? Maybe an issue or two? Britney tells the camera she is tired of touring. By this point, I am tired of Britney. More of Britney flat-out talking over Kevin in the interview segment taped after the fact.

Episode IV starts with Britney and Kevin shocking and surprising us all by having an argument (which, in their case, always sounds like a couple of high schoolers - there's never one without an exchange of: "I'm not talkin' to you", which gets the response, "I'm not talking to you, neither." Throw in the occasional, whined, "I don't like you anymore", as well.)

More night vision Britney, this time asking if "wanting someone to take care of me" sounds stupid and Kevin responding with "it's probably the smartest thing I've ever heard you say." Well, okay then. More footage of Britney and her bizarre Onyx Hotel Tour, ending with Britney asking the audience if they "feel lucky" and noting if they're lucky enough, she might marry one of them. Take marriage seriously much? Not much? Okay, then. Apparently, Britney is not waiting long to line up potential K-Fed replacements.

After a commercial break, we get Britney and Kevin's tour pulling up to the French/Spanish border and Britney worrying to the camera like something out of "The Blair Witch Project" that she's going to be taken away and then remarking, while watching border security that, "that's got to be a really boring job." Yikes. We then get Britney picking flowers (one of many instances of filler in "Chaotic") and a montage of Britney while Kevin chats about her. The episode ends with Britney asking - after, according to them, drinking on a long flight - Kevin to marry her, which results in him saying no, then eventually saying yes.

Episode V (awww, is it over already?) has Britney's irritatingly perky assistant Felicia informing us that Britney wanted to run off and get married, then Felicia told Britney that they could pull a small (read: actually really big and expensive to just about everyone else in the universe) party off. People who were invited were not told that it was actually a wedding party. Surprise! Britney's mother is shown completely shocked (she says, "You're joking!", but not in what I'd call a happy way) and in tears (happy ones..... Yeeahh, uh huh.) Meanwhile, Kevin is shown at the party, dressed like he just got out of bed while everyone else is dressed up in formal wear. Britney's father, who apparently still has not gotten the message about the surprise, re-checks the invitation and then rather grimly states, "yeah, that makes a little difference" and makes an angry and really rather odd comment when he returns.

Lots of sappy, ballad-y shots of the two getting ready and having fun together at the party. We then see assistant Felicia catch the bouquet at the wedding party and then we hear her go on (and on...and on) about how she's always the bridesmaid and never the bride. To help rub it in, Britney and K-Fed then chat and laugh (!) about how she's been to like "14 weddings", with Kevin adding "I dunno, she's caught a lot of bouquets." The two practically make fun of the poor girl, and then we cut back to Felicia, who sadly (but with a face so strangely happy it's like she's on something) notes that she "was the entertainment for the evening for a moment there."

Later on, the group changes into pink and white jumpsuits that - I'm not kidding - say "the Pimps" (for the gentlemen attending) and "the Maids" (for the ladies attending. I'll say it again, because it needs repeating: reaching a peak of weird trashiness, the women put on pink jumpsuits that say "the Maids" and the men put on horrific white jumpsuits that say, "the Pimps". They do this with straight faces, act like it's incredibly amusing when it's about the worst thing I've ever seen and show it all off excitedly on national television as if they're actually proud of it. The series wraps up with a premiere of Britney's new (well, then it was) video and something of a highlight reel.


VIDEO: "Chaotic" is presented by BMG in 1.33:1 full-frame, the show's original aspect ratio. The picture quality is limited by the recording quality of the cameras - although some brighter, outdoor scenes look somewhat crisp, most scenes look a tad soft, with night scenes looking grainy and rather murky. Some minor/mild noise/pixelation is occasionally spotted, but there weren't any other issues with the presentation worth noting. Colors looked fine, with only some slight smearing.

SOUND: The show's stereo soundtrack is sometimes limited by the low-budget recording quality, but dialogue is usually fairly easy to understand.

EXTRAS: "Someday" video and "making of" featurette for the video, wedding photo album, "Do Somethin'" video, bonus CD and about thirty minutes of uncensored deleted scenes (among other things: Kevin and Britney in the car, with Kevin going into disturbing detail about what he'd do to (if I heard him correctly) Halle Berry; Britney, looking very wasted and scratching her legs, belching and yelling at Kevin to stop looking through the viewfinder - which she calls a "peephole" - while he's filming her; Britney continuing to look wasted and yelling about wanting to see a movie, eventually stumbling to the conclusion that it's "Spun", and acting like she's in complete and utter shock when Kevin tells her the movie was on their tour bus; Britney (and I'm completely serious here) arguing that time travel does currently exist, like in "Back to the Future" and worrying that other people are currently doing it, leaving them behind; Britney worrying that she's missing out on life (which in her words are, " things....and things going on. And I feel like I'm behind....or somethin") and then getting mad at Kevin for telling her that she's been partying too much; Britney yelling "scrotum!" at a random stranger on the street from her car window and some assorted odds and ends with Britney talking to her crew, Britney talking to Kevin about his now ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson; Britney just completely seeming wasted on a plane and stumbling through a story about meeting a guy at a fashion show (or something) and finally, a brief discussion of Eminem. Some of the deleted footage is even more embarassing than what's in the episodes.

Final Thoughts: An absolute disaster of the highest order, "Chaotic" is an absolutely watchable and horrifying train wreck of a series. Fans should certainly enjoy this DVD set, but all others should stay clear.

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