If you didn't like that last paragraph, I urge you to avoid H.O.T.S., the 1979 boob-spoiltation film that wants so badly to be "Animal House," but just isn't.

The female form is the entire reason for H.O.T.S. The entire reason. The mild comedy certainly wasn't the focus. The plot? What plot? And if you think this is a vehicle for Danny Bonaduce, you are forgetting the man probably had a car, and didn't need to go anywhere this movie might take him.

The story - *cough* BOOBS! *cough* - is about Honey Shayne (Susan Kiger) who is insulted for being poor by the girls of PI...in the girls locker room. Literally, the film goes from a shot of campus immediately to women rubbing their soapy breasts.

Honey was rejected by the PI sorority, but she won't take this lying down (well, sort of). How will she get back at them? In the least realistic way possible, of course!

Honey is immediately surrounded by her friends, O'Hara (Lisa London), Terri Lynn (Pamela Jean Bryant) and Sam (Kimberly Cameron), who all vow to get back at those snobby girls. By stealing their boyfriends. And sleeping with every other man on campus.

That's right, if stuck-up girls insult you for working to go to college, show them you're classy by getting boned by every dude you see.

Obviously, that isn't enough of a plot to carry a movie. Sadly, what they choose to add doesn't exactly make this a masterpiece. First there's the "evil dean" who wants to toss them from campus. Then there's a pair of escaped criminals who hid their loot in the attic of the H.O.T.S. house and try wacky ways to get in and get their money.

My favorite part of the movie comes right after the inevitable montage to fix up their sorority house, when they induct new members into their group after all of five minutes of being an organization. Even though they were all discriminated against by the PIs, the H.O.T.S. take a few minutes to look disapprovingly at their recruits...but since they let them all in (even the ugly girl!), it's OK.

By the way, how did a bunch of girls too poor to get into PI afford a house? Details are not the strong suit of this film, nor are plot points or basic reasoning.

The group decides to raise money, for what we don't know, with a party at their house. Danny Bonaduce's band plays...poorly...and people eat chili and swim and get high and dance and wait for Boom Boom Bangs to skydive into the pool!

But wait...her top comes off in the plane. And wait...she gets confused about which pool to aim for and ends up at the dean's social.

Oh those darned liberated H.O.T.S.! What will they do next?

Answer: a lot of things without clothes.

For instance, they trap a PI girl and her boyfriend, naked, in his van! They take a live seal to the dean's office! They throw pies, from a water balloon, at the sunbathing PIs. And they play a game of strip football in front of the entire student body.

The acting is awful. When Danny Bonaduce is the one with the most experience, you're in trouble. Far too many characters are added to be "wacky" -- especially Mad Dog, who is painfully unfunny in a role that was clearly supposed to be the break-out character. Motivations are murky, at best - though true to college life, everybody just wants to have sex.

I know it's supposed to be madcap fun, but at some point, one wonders if the writers meant the characters to be functionally retarded or if they, being functionally retarded, just drew from their own topless football playing lives.

This is B movie, obviously meant to titillate and excite an audience full of people who wanted to watch porn, but were too embarrassed to find a real skin theater.

What's odd is, I used to enjoy this horrible, horrible movie when it was on USA's Up All Night and had all the boob shots removed. Why? I guess it was fun to see how they would edit around a film that is at least half pictures of breasts. Those ridiculous reaction shots of the dean came in handy, as they could just show how horrified he was by the female form.

Picture

This was shot in the '70s on film that was not high quality. While it is widescreen, it's grainy and shaky and not great looking. But it was made in 1979, so if anybody back then wanted to shoot in high def, they probably just smoked a joint.

Sound

The audio is OK, until the music starts up. Seriously, I don't know if Danny Bonaduce's band just sucked or if they had no idea how to record music, but it's unpleasant. You can usually hear what people are saying, though sometimes it's hard to hear dialogue.

Extras

There's a theatrical trailer. And then there's the movie. And then that's it.

In Summary

Not particularly funny. Not particularly well-acted. Not even particularly attractive stars. But H.O.T.S. has one thing going for it - you don't have to wait long to see breasts. I'm kind of surprised they didn't just put a little box in the corner with a pair of bouncing boobs, so you can watch it when you get bored.

H.O.T.S. is B-movie all the way, but I'd recommend being chemically altered in some way before you watch it. If that criteria is already met, then Rent It and may God have mercy on your soul.