The Plot:
Egged on by his effete friend Rich, high school valedictorian Denis Cooverman decides to use his big moment speech to say all the things he never had the nerve to during his tenure as resident class geek. During his address, he calls out the bully who beat him up. He points out the snobby girls who wouldn't give him the time of day. He even shames an ex-student who dates the girl of his unrequited dreams. And yes, eventually, he says the five magic words that will change his life - or at least his graduation party plans - forever. When Beth Cooper unexpectedly arrives at his house, ready to show Denis a good time, little does our dork know that such a special night will include run-ins with her Roid-raging boyfriend, various terrifying traffic incidents, a rabid raccoon attack, and the realization that, sometimes, fantasy is a million light years away from lovelorn reality.

The DVD:
Like watching a wounded baby bunny rabbit hemorrhage and die from its obvious internal injuries, the humorless, hopeless I Love You, Beth Cooper is proof that, no matter the name talent in the creative kitchen, too many cooks definitely turn the teen comedy into crap. This is a movie so bereft of actual laughs, so lacking in characters that you genuinely care about and champion, that the entire experience becomes a test of one's motion picture flop tolerances. It's not just that I Love You, Beth Cooper is bad - all laughers are typically judged on their ability to bring the chortles, or in the case of this movie, the lack thereof - it's that we can literally see several years of creative goodwill being wasted by behind the scenes bigshots who should have known better. It's hard to blame the cast. Panettiere is not really a big screen personality, and relative newcomers Paul Rust and Jack Carpenter (as Denis and his flitty buddy Rich) shouldn't be stranded with carrying such a large project. After all, Doyle and Columbus clearly want to make something along the lines of Not Another Teen Movie, a film that both references and reinvents all the adolescent angst clichés of the '80s and '90s. How there aim could be so off, and the results so irredeemable, raises as many concerns as questions.

Something similar happened with the Ben Stiller/Jason Schwartzman nonentity The Marc Pease Experience back in August. The casting was clever, and the man behind the lens - Todd Louiso - had a reputation of interesting, inventive work. But when he and his famous costars failed, it was at least understandable. The man most knew as Chad the Nanny from Jerry Maguire just didn't have the kind of commercial track record that someone like Columbus or Doyle does. When his efforts went belly up (resulting in one of the most limited theatrical release schedules for all of 2009), it was a non-event. But the atomic bomb of I Love You, Beth Cooper couldn't be avoided. It's just impossible to fathom how something this 'certain' could fall so far short of its entertainment goals. Again, the acting is okay, though Carpenter does wear out the welcome of his one-note "I'm not gay" movie trivia spewing putz. The movie is not incompetent when it comes to technical prowess. Columbus keeps the scenes in focus and the plot chugs along on its "one unforgettable night" narrative mandates. Doyle even tries for a nice bit of "good guys finish first" revisionism. And yet none of it works.

Of course, all this kvetching doesn't really answer the question "Why?". Pointing out the pluses throughout a disaster doesn't make the final failure any better. Clearly, the major strike I Love You, Beth Cooper has against it is the lack of wit. During an opening sequence where Denis and Rich are tormented by Beth's Army Recruit boyfriend, the attempted slapstick is more cruel than comic. Equally odd are the sleazy set-ups where our heroine and her hen pack decide that cock teasing our two leads would be a beneficial and ethical thing to do as part of a lasting high school memory. Granted, Denis is like a stalker without a basic primer on the art of obsession - he loves Beth because she represents everything he can't imagine having, even though it turns out he was more or less wrong - and his desire is never dimmed by rationality or common sense. He's a nerd, dangnabbit and he's going to get the girl he wants or play D&D trying. Instead of looking at the truth behind teenage cliques and the cruelty they can foster, we get standard he/she awkwardness, drunken antics, and more mangled movie quotes than Ben Lyons could honestly tolerate. You'd figure with the people involved behind the scenes, this would be an enjoyable journey. Clearly, it's not.

The Video:
As per this critic's policy, Screener copies of DVDs are not awarded points for video or audio. If FOX does send a final product version of I Love You, Beth Cooper to the site, this paragraph will be updated accordingly.

The Audio:
As per this critic's policy, Screener copies of DVDs are not awarded points for video or audio. If FOX does send a final product version of I Love You, Beth Cooper to the site, this paragraph will be updated accordingly.

The Extras:
As usual, a title like I Love You, Beth Cooper gets more added content here than it deserves. There's an alternate ending (who cares), deleted scenes (uneventful), a featurette on Larry Doyle and his book (mildly interesting), a Behind the Scenes making-of (standard), a weird adlibbed song about Peanut Butter Toast from star Paul Rust (huh?), two Fox Movie Channel Presents episodes focusing on Hayden and Paul, and a trailer. Wow - all those bonuses for a movie that is, for the most part, unwatchable.

Final Thoughts:
If comedy is all timing, then I Love You Beth Cooper is temporally retarded. It is so bereft of laughs that you can actually watch it leeching them out of surrounding films. This is indeed a low point for everyone involved, even those actors and crewmembers who are just starting out in their big screen careers. There is really nothing shocking about an attempting teen burlesque that doesn't work. Hollywood has been trading T&A for talent in this genre since Sixteen Candles morphed into Some Kind of Wonderful, but this is bad. As a result, this tired attempt at humor deserves nothing less than a Skip It. Even if you're easily amused, you'll have said comedic tolerances tested by this lackluster lump of a movie. It's a shame that so much proposed talent goes to waste here. Then again, maybe this miserable motion picture truly illustrates the level of artistic accomplishment for all involved - and that's sad, indeed.

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