Well, here's a spectacularly bad film. You might be into that kind of thing. Obviously, Troma Studios is. Over there at Troma, they love bad films. They produce and distribute them by the dozens. That's fantastic. What would the world be like without Troma Studios? I mean, someone's got to put out the guilty-pleasure crap, right?

Eve's Beach Fantasy is filled with nudity and softcore sex. Strangely, however, it fails almost completely in its efforts to arouse, coming across instead as a series of awkwardly staged scenes of limp nudity and self-conscious writing and editing. I had hoped the film might be a fun throwback, some kitschy sexploitation title from the 70s. I mean, that title is great, right? It sounds right out of that era. No, this is just a piece of awful, teasingly softcore erotica produced 5 years ago.

Eve (April Adams) is house-sitting for her rich uncle and enjoying the pleasures of his beachfront property. Okay, that setup is fine for a film like this. But soon the movie is a compendium of wasted opportunities, as the pool scenes add up to idiocy, and the invited-over friends are a gaggle of unappealing dullards, and the plot is a haphazard series of leaps, one after the other, into ineptitude. You'll yawn through Eve's protracted efforts at modeling teeny-weeny bikinis and enduring nude photo shoots and having sexual encounters and, wow, I can't believe I'm writing that. What can you say about an erotic film that leaves you cold and utterly turned off?

April Adams is both frustrating and lovable in the film. Although she's unquestionably gorgeous and willing to display her formidable assets to us, the perverted viewers, she is an appallingly bad actress given to seemingly drugged delivery of her lines, resulting in slow drawls and rolling eyes and uncertain movements.

Pretty awful. The 1.33:1 full-frame transfer is washed out and drab, with no real attention to detail. The film seems to have been shot on an early camcorder, and the results are somewhat hideous.

The mono sound presentation is, you guessed it, front and center. The entire presentation suffers from a muffled quality, as well as disconcerting moments of loud voiceover and quiet dialog. You'll be constantly messing with your volume control. Obviously, there's no surround activity.

There's a short introduction by the manic Lloyd Kaufman, who transforms into a topless woman. He says this version of Eve's Beach Fantasy is the digitally remastered director's cut. Uh huh. Yeah.

You also get trailers for Citizen Toxie, The Stabilizer, and Eve's Beach Fantasy, as well as a shameless and abrasive commercial for Kaufman's new book Make Your Own Damn Movie.

April Adams is nice on the eyes but hard on the ears. Once you get past her obvious physical charms, there's not much to enjoy. A poor DVD presentation makes this one easy to skip.