Tentacles
You've got to love a furious giant octopus that crawls out of the sea to eat a baby. Sadly, you don't get to see it happen. You do get to see one disfigured corpse pop out of the brine, briefly (which was enough of an image on the back cover of the VHS to make me think this was worth a rent, back in the day.) And ... that's about it. As far as giant monster movies go, Tentacles is a tepid as they come, missing everything that makes Jaws so scary. However, as a hybrid Disaster Movie/Baffling Electric Light Orchestra Music Video, it's pretty damn confusing. Depending on how lubed up you choose to get to watch this movie, you may just find yourself with the most entrancing thing you've ever laid eyes on.

Dazzled by wrongness, I can't recall much of the plot beyond 'octopus terrorizes beach town', but I suppose some type of nautical race is involved, and god forbid the race should be cancelled, thus keeping the octopus from a feeding frenzy. A cast surely meant for another sequel to Airport stumbles along in confused manner while a dude who trains killer whales steps to the plate to help pacify the octopus. I mean, really? Where's George Kennedy when we need him? John Huston is here, as well as Shelly Winters, Claude Akins, and Henry Fonda. That's a hell of a lot of star-power for a Greek Jaws knock-off, and thankfully none of them, not even Winters in a giant sombrero, give two shits. (As an aside, why wasn't Huston ever cast in a Star Wars movie? He would have been perfect! But for this, and his desire to come to truly understand just "what's on that ocean floor," we can take all the passes we need, and never understand why this movie got made.)

However, while director Ovidio G. Assonitis (as Oliver Hellman) truly stints on anything we would want from a monster movie, after about an hour he seems to give in to a laudanum haze, and things become fantastic. A three-minute tracking shot, minus any sound save for a trippy electro soundtrack, swoops over a crowd at the shore. What are they looking at? Why do we care? Where's my next martini and Valium cocktail? The rest of the movie follows suit, with octopus 'attack' scenes composed of more intense art-disco music and editing incorporating intermittent still shots and the unknowing smiles of bemused onlookers, as their children are (apparently) digested by a monster. There isn't a hell of a lot more I can do with this review than to go (almost) straight-notes: "Disco Yacht Death Scene, with trippy, new-age soliloquy to entreat Orcas to kill octopus."

Yep. Tentacles on its own is Highly Recommended to those whose hearts, minds, and souls have been destroyed by years in the exploitation trenches.

Reptilicus
But yeah, then there's Reptilicus, a 1962 production from when Denmark was trying to break into the giant monster movie industry. It's no good, and they shouldn't have even tried, but we're lucky to have the slimy monster anyway. When Lapland oil drillers bring up a strange core sample, (a slab of liver from the butcher shop, by the look of it) they send it straightaway to the research aquarium, where it begins to regenerate! Soon lightning strikes, and the creature, a giant snake-like dragon or something, begins to terrorize the countryside.

With an emphasis on comic relief, mostly in the form of a goofy yokel farmhand, (played by the perfect cross between Tom Poston and Joe Piscopo) Reptilicus seems aimed squarely at the monster kids in the audience. The movie's presence on this Blu-ray double features testifies to the fact that there are still plenty of monster kids living today, that is old dudes who used to be monster kids, most of whom will eat Reptilicus up as a kooky artifact from better times.

Some will find the quaint special effects entertaining, some will admire the statuesque blonde women roaming about, but none will concern themselves with the plot. Reptilicus is all about carefully-staged scenes of mass hysteria: orderly crowds running with panicked clockwork precision, bicyclists dropping to the river from the lip of an opening drawbridge, and Reptilicus spitting green, gooey lightning.

Special Effects are not this movie's strong point, but they are its selling point. The most basic of miniatures provide fodder for the fury of Reptilicus, who often slithers about slowly, like an arthritic hand-puppet, shot in what looks like 8MM blown up to 32. Poor rear-screen projections are notoriously campy, and a scene where Reptilicus appears to munch on animated collage elements meant to represent people, is simply astounding.

As an ancient, threadbare kids' monster movie, Reptilicus unspools consistently about two clicks left of being an outright parody. This thoroughly entertaining 83-minute cut moves at a good clip, so sit back and enjoy the goofy ride. Recommended.

The DVD

Video:
While Tentacles does not sport new remastering, it still looks great on Blu-ray. The 2.35:1 transfer is clean and sharp, revealing subdued film grain and an at times gauzy, sun-dappled look, as intended. Colors are rich and look natural, the print doesn't suffer from damage, and there aren't any compression artifacts to worry about.
Reptilicus arrives in newly remastered, High Definition transfer, in a 1.66:1 ratio. This of course aids in telegraphing the less savory elements of the film, from certain attack scenes featuring tons of grain and film damage, to those creaky rear-screen projections. There seems to be a bit of flutter at about 36 minutes in, which is very brief, so it won't trouble you. So, aside from the movie not looking all that great in the first place, this is a high-quality transfer, with good color and effective detail levels.

Sound:
Tentacles sports Stereo DTS-HD Master Audio. All elements are free of damage, and everything is clean and clear. The music, which sounds (for all its weirdness) fantastic, and is very effective, is mixed a little too loud for dialog elements, but that's my only real complaint.
Reptilicus, in a Mono DTS-Master Audio mix, sounds just fine. Nothing fancy, of course, but everything is upfront, including the vagaries of weird source audio, such as echoes, poor matching to the audio environment, and the like.

Extras:
Both movies contain English Subtitles, Stills Galleries, Radio Spots, and Original Trailers.

Final Thoughts:
Scream Factory throws caution to the wind with this pair of weirdo monster movies on one Blu-ray: Tentacles and Reptilicus, both characterized by bizarre melodrama, with Tentacles winning the race through strangely hypnotic disco music alone. Neither movie is what you'd call 'good'; the octopus movie is stingy with actual action, while the lizard movie is just daft. It's a perfect double feature for forgiving monster kids of all ages. Overall, Recommended.

www.kurtdahlke.com