What's shocking about Body of Deceit is not that it's bad; lots of movies are bad, tons of movies actually, thousands of movies, and sometimes you have to slog through them in order to understand what good movies really look like. Without the bitter, the sweet ain't as sweet, right? That applies to films as much as to anything else, how else are you supposed to develop your taste if all you ever taste is the best? So awful cinema has its niche, it can even be fun, and not every project can be tops. But sometimes you can still be surprised by just how awful a final product can be, after multiple teams of people sat down and decided that, yes, this movie ought to be released, audiences ought to see it. Body of Deceit doesn't deserve to be seen; it deserves to be incinerated.

In Malta on vacation, a beautiful woman named Alice was in a terrible accident, resulting in a coma and memory loss. She can no longer remember the house, the vacation, the accident, or what happened there, it's all gone in a flash. Back at home, Alice struggles to continue her job as a ghostwriter for a famous author. She knows his work in and out, has written as him for years, but can't get past the block that is stopping up her creativity. She has frequent nightmares of what happened in Malta, but can never quite form hazy events into one coherent memory. Before she can ever write again, she's got to face her past and her fears.

So her husband Max schedules a trip for the pair back to Malta, back to the house, back to the place where it all went down, with the hope that Alice can finally get over whatever happened there, that she will be able to write once more with the talent she once possessed. But not everything is as it appears to be, and someone is hiding a few very sinister secrets. The sexy housemaid Sara seems to know more than she lets on, and her constant flirting with Alice is steaming up the glass that Alice is trying to peer through. She'll have to shatter it instead, revealing all the hidden truths and her own deeply buried desires.

It's not that Body of Deceit is bad, it's that it's so bad you begin to lose faith in cinema and wonder if you'll ever enjoy moving pictures ever again. If this was ever someone's first experience with film, I'm sure they would never watch another movie, there's no way this wouldn't ruin them for life. I'm even fairly armored against terrible cinema, have learned to enjoy it as much as it can be enjoyed, and this film still almost got me rethinking my profession and my believe in sunshine and chocolate and puppies; how can nice things exist while this movie does?

Of course I'm being dramatic for fun and to make a point, but not completely; it's actually almost that awful. The story is so dumb you can barely imagine a human writing it; it would make me feel better if it had been shot out of a computer that had been fed a strict diet of USA Network originals from the 90s. And it's insulting to that channel to even mention it in the same breath as this movie, because even those executives would have shot down this script. It's embarrassingly bad, as are the actors, who lacked the ability to help out in any way. You might recognize Kristanna Loken from T3, she was the T-X, but there's a reason you haven't heard from her since. What's even more sad is that they tried to make this movie sexy, but it's not even good enough to be called soft core, or even steamy, or even smutty; it's simply a wasted effort at whatever in God's name the original effort was for.

Video: With an aspect ratio of who knows and shot with a who cares, the video quality of Body of Deceit is the least of its problems, but also somehow another of its flaws. The cinematography is terrible, regardless of the specs or cameras, and it's not surprising that more details aren't available, because who would possibly have taken the time to advertise or dissect this film any more than was absolutely necessary? The picture is bad, dark and weird at times, and can simply be listed as another piece of evidence in the case to have this film expunged from the record books.

Audio: The audio is the same; not worth mentioning. The DVD is in English, with an option of 5.1 Surround or 2.0 Stereo. Subtitles are available in English for the deaf and hearing impaired. That's is, and that shows the effort they put into the audio of the film, which is none whatsoever. There aren't glaring mistakes, but the music and the dialogue aren't well-done either, with a cheap feel that won't shock you.

Extras: There are no bonus features on the disc, thank God.

Skip It. This film truly is among the worst I have ever seen. It's a low quality skin flick, which isn't damning, we've all seen enough of those on late at night and there's nothing evil or inherently wrong with that, it's just bad cinema done for a cheap thrill. But this movie couldn't even do that right. There are a few boobs, but it feels uncomfortable and strange, not in any way sexy. The mystery is stupid beyond description, and I'm still not sure what happened, nor do I want to find out. What I want is to forget that I ever set eyes on this project, that I ever sullied my DVD player with such a pointless disc, and that people ever signed up to be in a movie such as this. The video, audio, and extras are equally and insanely bad, so don't go looking for any redeeming characteristics. Just use me as your guinea pig and stay as far away from this disaster as you possibly can.

Olie Coen
Archer Avenue
archeravenue.net