The Movie

I've never floated a candle in a punchbowl. I have no idea what a "succulent rock garden" is. I don't make crème brulee that resembles Peggy Lee's silhouette. I've never converted a ping-pong table into a ready-to-ship dinette set, and I haven't the foggiest idea how to design a working replica of a 13th Century Japanese lantern from a pineapple, a pack of Juicy Fruits, and two cups of kitty litter. I am nowhere near Ms. Stewarts extensive fan base, and that's all well and good, especially when it comes to reviewing a television movie allegedly depicting her life. I bring no baggage, no preconceived notions, and no agenda to the reviewer's table.

So you can rest assured that I have no ulterior motive when I tell you that Martha, Inc. is the single biggest smoldering pantload I have ever had the displeasure of reviewing... and I had to review Micki & Maude! Martha, Inc. was NBC's attempt to cash in on Martha's impending litigation by churning out a cheap, abrasive, and unintentionally campy cartoon. I have seen this movie described elsewhere as a TV version of Mommie Dearest, and the comparison isn't entirely out of left field.

Cybil Shepherd, normally a very talented and convincing actress, goes full Faye Dunaway while inhabiting the title role. I think she provides as good a performance as one could possibly imagine, especially when hampered with such an abysmally clichéd, over-the-top script which paints a portrait of Stewart's life as subtly nuanced as a flaming kabob to the bum from a petulant Scotsman in full regalia. Shepherd's vision of Martha is of a campy, conniving, shrill, melodramatic, temperamental Lady Macbeth with a crockpot and sensible shoes. This is what the script gives her to work with, and that is exactly what she provides in abundance. What we are eventually left with is a good actress in a thankless role with a lousy script.

Martha, Inc. is absolutely shrieking with television cheesiness. There is absolutely no depth to the proceedings. We are simply subjected to one ridiculous vignette after another. We see Martha as a child, screwing over her best friend in a neighborhood cake-baking business. Witness the ambitious Martha in high school, reading magazines like "Business Weekly" while her acquaintances call her a lesbian behind her back. View Martha as a young stockbroker in a scene of oh-so-slight foreshadowing, encouraging a childhood friend to purchase shares in a company that she knows is going belly-up. In one scene, she mercilessly ridicules her husband Andy for coming up with an idea for a book about gnomes. Cut! to the very next scene in which Andy Stewart is being honored for the success of his book The Secret Life of Gnomes, with a cheering and adoring Martha by his side. After she blows off Time Warner media and buys out her contract, witness her gleefully demonstrate how to use a nutcracker on her show. Watch Martha construct an image that cultivates family, elegance, taste, and tradition, while she madly and mercilessly berates, ridicules, and emasculates any and everyone in her path.

Martha, Inc.is shrill and ham handed. It presents nothing except melodrama and campiness that make the movie one of the most unintentionally laughable piles of refuse I have ever experienced on DVD.

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