Boa Vs. Python
Columbia/Tri-Star // R // $24.96 // August 24, 2004
Review by G. Noel Gross | posted September 9, 2004
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CineSchlock-O-Rama
Short Takes

There's not too many flicks where PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING is used as an effective foreshadowing device. Come to think of it, the "Eureka! Let's sic this 85-foot snake on that OTHER 12-ton bellycrawler!" crowd is rather sparse as well. That's a shame, because after TWO tired Python pictures and Boa, those prolific folks at UFO Films finally got themselves synced up with a plot as gloriously goofy as their CGI shenanigans. (For those keeping score, this is essentially the second Python sequel -- even if the snakes keep getting kilt.) Oh! They've also borrowed a page from the great Andy Sidaris by pitting a blonde Playboy Playmate against a brunette Playboy Playmate. Guess which one is a marine biologist and which is the tattoo'd squeeze of a big game huntin' billionaire (Adam Kendrick) prone to ripping off his T-shirt and chomping on a cee-gar whilst unloading heavy machine guns? That's right, Jamie Bergman's contracted to rig her top secret dolphin cameras to a gigundous boa constrictor and, being the naughty one, Angel Boris is the only one who actually has to show off what caught Hef's eye (via a snake-infested bubble bath). First-time director and long-time UFO editor David Flores is probably most proud of the climatic, subterranean grudge match betwixt his super-sized behemoths, but what sealed the deal for yours truly, was when Dave unleashed one of the nasties on a RAVE full of Bulgarian beauties X-in' out of their gourds. Yo! Yo! MC Combo Meal in da house! CineSchlockers will remember our snarky, reluctantly heroic herpetologist David Hewlett from his role as snarky, reluctantly heroic maze rat Number 3 in Cube. And, just for grins, isn't it a coinkydink that while Ms. Boris bares the name, Ms. Bergman is actually hitched to an Angel? Davey Boreanaz. 12 breasts. 29 corpses. Flamethrowing. Snake cam. Gargantuan reptile self-gratification. Gratuitous urination. Multiple firesuit stunts. Questionable American accents by Eastern Block thespians. Ol' human wishbone gag. Go-to authority figure Kirk Woller's Agent Sharpe ain't hearing it: "I don't have time to stand here all night and argue reptile rights with you, doctor!" (2004, 91 mins, 1.85:1 anam, DD 5.1, Trailers.)

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G. Noel Gross is a Dallas graphic designer and avowed Drive-In Mutant who specializes in scribbling B-movie reviews. Noel is inspired by Joe Bob Briggs and his gospel of blood, breasts and beasts.


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