Sexy Soccer
Discotek Media // Unrated // $14.95 // March 28, 2006
Review by David Cornelius | posted April 10, 2006
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Ryko's cult/import arm, Discotek Media, is marketing the Hong Kong offering "Sexy Soccer" as a cutesy, jiggly T&A romp, but here's the thing: it's actually a cheapjack softcore loser, a shot-on-video junker with half its running time filled with embarrassing footage of nekkid people pretending to have sex. It's the low budget Asian version of some dopey Misty Mundae "comedy" that you might regrettably catch on late night Cinemax. It's not porny enough to deserve mention in DVD Talk's adult section, but too porny for anyone wanting something naughty but not graphic. Lucky me, looks like I get to be the one to split the difference.

Your first guess about the film is right: it is indeed about a guy who puts together an all-gal soccer team, in the hopes of winning big when male opponents become incapable of movement because they're so enraptured by the ladies' bouncy assets. I'm surprised nobody in the States has yet made such a flick - the creators of "H.O.T.S." or "The Bikini Car Wash Company" had other things on their plate, I suppose.

There's an entire plot point early on about the leading man, Rolando (the names of the cast remain unknown to me, despite much online searching), getting involved with a mobster; because he owes so much money, Rolando decides to put the team together as a get-rich-quick scheme. It is never explained how the team would create a workable cash flow, nor is it explained what happens to the mobster (the movie ends without ever again mentioning any more of that storyline), but I suppose complaining about story problems in a movie like this is like watching a Pussycat Dolls video and wondering why the music sucks.

So yeah, the whole thing's an excuse for a handful of young women to prance around in tight shirts and short shorts. Sadly, none of this is very sexy, considering how the actresses on display believe that wiggling around like you're trying to free the penny you just dropped down your shirt equates "hot lap dance-style action." They may flash us their goods, but they do it the most boring way possible.

Then come the sex scenes. A good fifty percent of the film consists of Rolando bedding the players, either in real or in dream sequences. I will defer to my colleagues in the adult department of this website as to the technical goings-on. As a layman (no pun intended, ahem), I'll simply say that these, too, are ridiculously non-erotic, mostly because Rolando has a habit of getting awkwardly grabby - entire minutes go by that feature nothing but a close up of the guy, well… it looks like he's trying to play Centipede. (For those of you too young to get the reference, ask your older brother.)

I suppose it says something about the movie that I'm more interested in discussing the straight scenes than the sex ones. But the moments that stick out most are the just-how-cheap-is-this-flick? ones. I find myself fascinated by the complete badness of this picture - consider, for example, the scene in which the actress (and by "actress," I mean "this person cannot actually be a professional artist, can she?") actually stops and looks at the off-camera crew to make sure everything's OK; she then turns back and continues with the scene. I mean… just… wow.

Or what of the Big Game at the end? Rolando's team is almost undone when they go up against a team of - wait for it… - gay guys! Ah, but Rolando has a plan: gay guys like rear ends, right? So let's have the girls flash their bums at the guys, who will be unable to resist the power of the cheeks.

I do not think gayness works the way the movie thinks it works.

In the end (oh, another no pun intended!), "Sexy Soccer" may be soccer, but it is not sexy. Or something. You know what I mean.



Discotek offers the movie in a 1.33:1 full frame format (which looks to be the original aspect ratio), and there's not much that DVD can do to rescue such a lousy image. This was shot on some jerk's camcorder, and it shows.


The decent 2.0 stereo soundtrack - available here in the original Cantonese or a Mandarin dub - reveals slightly better production value than the video does. (Not counting one muddled scene, in which the microphone seems to be in another room.) You can hear every "funny" boing sound effect just fine.

Optional English subtitles are available. They seem to have been transcribed by a seventh grader who's struggling to comprehend the ins and outs of basic grammar, punctuation, and spelling. Enjoy.


Only two trailers: a terrific, mod-crazy one for "Lupin the Third: Strange Psychokinetic Strategy," and another for "Zero Woman: Red Handcuffs," which contains more blood and boobs in its two minutes than most movies manage to do in their entire running times. Both are presented in letterboxed (non-anamorphic) widescreen.

Final Thoughts

With some 800-plus words, have I given too much attention to a movie as stupid and useless as "Sexy Soccer?" Why yes. Yes I have. Here are two more: Skip It.

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