Witless Protection
Lionsgate Home Entertainment // PG-13 // February 22, 2008
Review by Brian Orndorf | posted February 22, 2008
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"Witless Protection" is disgusting, racist, clueless, sexist, charmless, unfunny, infantile, mean-spirited, amateurish, and insulting. In other words, it stars Larry The Cable Guy.

Boobish Mississippi police officer Larry Stalder (Larry The Cable Guy) hopes one day to join the ranks of the F.B.I. and leave his small town behind. When Madeline (Ivana Milicevic) sneaks into town with a group of her witness protection agents (led by Yaphet Kotto), Larry mistakes the bodyguard as villains and steals her away to safety. Made aware of his mistake, Larry is forced to follow through with the original plan and bring the star witness to Chicago for an important trial. Now on the run, Larry and Madeline fight criminal masterminds (Peter Stormare), rogue agents (Eric Roberts), and Larry's lack of personal hygiene to stay alive.

I'm all for silly comedies, but these Larry The Cable Guy movies aren't just harmless giggles anymore. These are seriously diseased, bottom-feeding motion pictures constructed to reduce intelligence and further this bizarre obsession certain communities of Americans have to proudly display their unwashed idiocy, as though it was a golden badge of honor. Call it the "Blue Collaring" of the country. It's not just enjoying redneck jokes anymore; it's a disturbing transformation that cannot be reversed.

"Witless Protection" is the worst Cable Guy movie to date, and that's saying something after "Health Inspector" and "Delta Farce." Larry is Ernest P. Worrel for the illiterate; he's a comic with a just one surface to his act and he beats on it like a drum, making the same jokes and same facial gestures for 90 unholy minutes. Pretty much every scene in "Protection" involves Larry farting, vomiting, eating rancid meat, making people smell his feet, parading around his bulbous belly, and cracking some bizarre non sequitur joke that fails to make even a lick of sense ("purple is the upside of beef, gawl-dangit!"). His co-stars have it a little better: either they're questionable eye candy (sex kitten Jenny McCarthy plays Larry's girlfriend, yet is clad in a Halloween fright wig), or lighting their farts on fire. At least they don't have putrid feet, right? Such progress.

Writer/director Charles Robert Carner presides over this debacle like a demented child, encouraging the numerous fecal jokes, atrocious Casio-thin score by Eric Allaman, unprofessional cinematography (it is too much to ask for focus or the absence of boom microphones in the frame?), and pens a screenplay that includes a handful of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" references and pokes fun at classical music. I can't believe this film actually made it all the way to production. For the record, Carner is 51 years old.

My friends, this movie is far worse than it looks. Here's further evidence of the horrors within: there's a "Benny Hill" undercranked sequence, Joe Mantegna cameos, and Larry asks a traditionally dressed Middle-Eastern character why he's "wearing a diaper on his head."

I'm no culture cop, but these Larry The Cable Guy movies represent a new low for American comedy. It's one thing to be sleeveless and make fun of "liberals," but "Witless Protection" lashes out in a million reckless ways; every scene hits a new low. This motion picture isn't fun, it's punishment.

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