When Cooking With Porn Stars breezed to the top of DVD Talk's most popular reviews it proved two important points: A catchy title is still king and there's a heckuvalot of horn'd up porn hounds out there. Well, nasal-voiced burnout and alleged cable-access personality Colin Malone rebounds from that miserable debut with Colin's Sleazy Friends: Raw and Extreme (2002, 63 minutes), a deliriously absurd collection that mines five years of his spastic mingling with adult-film stars and second-tier celebs.
The hijinks begin with CineSchlocker fave Corey Feldman sharing his expertise in female anatomy, even going so far as to provide his own visual aids. Kid Rock talks drugs and groupies. NPR heartthrob Margaret Cho ponders the etiquette of anal coupling. Jack Black caterwauls with his Tenacious D compadre. Members of Blink 182 watch nekkid girls demonstrate a bizarre bungie love swing. Pretty much a similar situation for Weezer, except they ask a starlet if she's planning on getting married and having a "normal" life. When she says she IS married they proceed to fiddle with her nipples. Bob Odenkirk and David Cross of "Mr. Show" talk shop with gang-diddle queen and sometime-rassler Jasmin St. Claire who launches into a rant about how "Half these people in the business can't even read or they're in it for the money and drugs!!!" Later she spews venom toward '80s sensation Christy Canyon, "I'm not old and washed up with stretch marks, cellulite, no brain and a drug problem!!!"
But not even Jasmin can match Mila's expletive-riddled tirade. Just after a loving embrace between two lesbians, the presentation cuts to her SCREAMING about how Colin hogged the bathroom before shooting, then she spits on him while waving a double-duty, anatomically-correct device in his face. Mila then stops, composes herself and attempts to behave for a half second, before howling some MORE about how her pornos are the nastiest and how naughty she is. Then things devolve further when she snarls at Colin, telling him to spit on and bludgeon her nethers with the aforementioned device. That's not the only tussle Mr. Malone finds himself in. After interviewing Glenn Danzig on a tour bus, groupies cry "WEDGIE! WEDGIE! WEDGIE!" and strip off Colin's shirt exposing his gelatinous belly while his hands and feet flail like an overturned doodle bug.
Finally, there's a series of excursions to various porno sets. That's where he meets ultra-buxom siren Bridgette Kerkove and the towering blonde's hubby "Skeeter." Then Colin explores the hottest craze to sweep the industry since breast implants ... BUKKAKE! Allegedly an ancient tradition of Japanese pervos, in this case it involves Allison Embers, a classroom full of nekkid dudes doing something they really oughta do in private and it ends with, well, given this isn't triple X, they don't show that. But don't miss Colin's post-bukkake Q&A with Ms. Embers for all the gooey details.
Notables: 37 breasts. Spanking. Nipple noodling. Advanced lesbian tongue rasslin. Loogie hocking. Multiple wangdoodles (including a Deftone). Adult novelty abuse. Hair pulling. Selfgratification. Copious drug references. Hot tub orgy.
Quotables: "Safe Stud" Breckin Meyer proclaims, "I watch that barely legal, can't-send-through-the-mail porn." Janeane Garofalo is a fan, "What has drawn me to the show ... [is that] a lot of the women who come on here are savants almost. They don't seem to have a lot on the ball except for they're VERY articulate about the world of porn." David Cross is no sex symbol, "Right now, all these guys are at home watching the show with their [email protected]#% in their hand going, 'Heyyyyyy!!!' " Monique vies to become an oral pleasure champ, "I'm going to try and take as much as I can. I'm very, very greedy ... I'll use my feet, my hands, whatever. I like a challenge!"
Time codes: Shane and Yvonne demonstrate how to properly shave a, ahem, you know (4:46). Kiwi-Strawberry is the flavor du jour (15:42). "When Porn Stars Attack" (17:08). Danzig groupies maul Colin (29:45). Jonathan Davis of Korn quizzes Tabitha Stevens about her pre-shoot prep (36:55). Ms. Kerkove is an ENORMOUSLY talented gal (41:08). Embracing obscure aspects of Japanese culture can go way, way too far (54:23).
Audio/Video: WARNING! Dial down speakers before playing disc, as the menu music is WAY too loud and bass heavy (no offense to Drunk With Power). All the audio is overly amplified, which only exaggerates the hiss and general poor quality of the sound. Absolutely abysmal widescreen (1.85:1) transfer hacked down from the original fullframe. At times, it borders on watching a super-compressed internet stream. No chapter stops either. Grrrrrr!
Extras: It's a toss up. Either the world's worst commentary, or among the best. Colin crashes the pad of galpals Raylene and Chandler who never seem to grasp they're being recorded. Phone calls. Bong hits. Barking dogs. General chaos pervades as Colin whines about how the girls aren't any fun sober and Raylene points out which celebs she's fellated. The best of three video extras is an abbreviated episode of "Colin's Sleazy Friends" featuring "Man Show" guys Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla with a special appearance by adult diva Asia Carerra (9 mins). The show covers everything from Kimmel's dad smuggling him a stag film to Ms. Carerra's Mensa membership. Also included is Colin's "Infamous Free Speech Party" with more porn antics and a heartwarming encounter between comic Kathy Griffin and super-starlet Tera Patrick (6 mins). Plus the "Strip Club Party" where Mr. Malone finds himself amid a Sapphic Twister match between Shay Sights, Kiki D'Aire and Dynamite (6 mins). Photo gallery with 12 images. Disc promises "special website access," but the address supplied is bogus.
Final thought: Despite its dismal technical shortcomings, Mila's meltdown alone is reason enough to snag this digital train wreck of humanity. Highly Recommended.
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G. Noel Gross is a Dallas graphic designer and avowed Drive-In Mutant who specializes in scribbling B-movie reviews. Noel is inspired by Joe Bob Briggs and his gospel of blood, breasts and beasts.