I'm sure that long-time fans of Baywatch will have the slightest idea of what the heck anyone is talking about in Baywatch Hawaiian Wedding, a reunion movie that finds the incredible talents of Carmen Electra, Pam Anderson, Nicole Eggert, Brande Roderick, Gena Lee Nolin, Yasmine Bleeth and the immortal David Hasselhoff all under one palm tree. While it's hard to deny power like that this viewer has always felt that the Baywatch enterprise is a weird compromise: Just enough skin to get pocket jockeys to watch but not enough to get the syndication buyers nervous. Hasselhoff seems to think he's in Shakespeare here, emoting and scowling through the plot's twists and turns. He's fantastic as he is, like a cross-breed of William Shatner and a Kenny Rogers roaster. As for the rest of the cast, they are interchangeable in their red bathing suits. I couldn't tell one blonde bimbo from the other. Once they start running in slo-mo it's all Jello molds to me.
Actually, there's surprisingly little lifeguarding in the movie, consisting mostly of a near-disaster early on when Roderick, doing double-duty as a photographer for FHM (just one of the plot elements that went over my head) hesitantly allows some bodacious models to pose in the rough surf. The entire team has to chip in to save the drowning beauties. It's funny how the show seems to think that the worst tragedy imaginable is the death of a few models. Que horible!
The greater plot involves Mitch (Hasselhoff), a semi-retired semi-full-time-employed lifeguard, and his impending nuptials to Allison (Alexandra Paul), who I guess looks just like Stephanie, a dead character from the original series who was also played by Paul. Suspicion abounds as the lifeguards eye Allison cautiously. Then an evil Chinese guy tries to foul things up in a kidnaping plot and, oh hell. Lots of other nonsense happens.
The joke here is that Baywatch is so melodramatic and overwrought that any guys who watch it looking for titillation end up exposing themselves to soap opera far cornier than you'll find on daytime television. Great locations, tiny bikinis and one overly hairy man-ape beloved by German pop fans at the center of it all: Love it or hate it, it's Baywatch, baby, and it's bouncing to a DVD player near you.