Short Takes

Seduction Cinema mega-starlet Misty Mundae steps back into a familiar, though supporting role as a naive waif eager to make it as a covergirl even if it means indulging the sadistic fetishes of a celebrated "art" photographer (Joseph Farrell). Said submission naturally transpires in a long abandoned sanitarium that just happens to be haunted by an even NASTIER pervo. So it's up to Arachnia bug-busta Rob Monkiewicz to ride in as the designated party pooper whilst flirting with Misty's fellow ingenues (C.J. DiMarsico and Heidi Kristoffer) and delish den mama Rachel Robbins (easily emoting circles around castmates without ever poppin' her top). Curiously, expeditiousness isn't among Rob's heroic qualities, allowing ample time for Ms. Mundae to strip, get herself lashed to a cross and roundly mistreated by the spirit world. Ms. Kristoffer similarly suffers the horrors of CHINESE WATER TORTURE while the bodaciously buxom Ms. Robbins ironically finds herself on THE RACK and threatened by a medieval marital aid inching ever nearer to you know where! Trouble is writer/director Brett Piper so snake bites the flick with seemingly endless spook-house schtick that even THOSE final-reel visages of dungeon depravity are met with bleary eyes. CineSchlockers will be relieved to note Mr. Piper, also responsible for Rob's 3-star spider screamer, returns to critter flicks with, Bite Me!, a fleshy tale of murderous mutant bugs run amok at a strip joint. Regrettably, Rachel Robbins (a.k.a. Blondezilla), who was courted to rejoin Brett, had to bow out due to a scheduling conflict. Four breasts. Two corpses. Astonishingly gratuitous shower scene. Toe-nail clipping. Copious spazzing. Head butting AND crushing. Severed, yet horny hand. Gratuitous Howard Stern reference. Ear tumbles. Sam don't cotton to modern artistic expression: "Call me bourgeois, but I don't tend to fantasize about ladies with their heads in the crapper." (2004, 88 mins, Fullframe, DD 2.0, Fangoria and theatrical premiere footage, "Making of" featurette, nifty Marlboro State Psychiatric Hospital documentary, Printed Piper interview, Trailers, "Misty Mundae: From Skin to Scream" retrospective. Don't blink alert: That's yours truly grinning alongside Ms. Mundae in her press-clipping montage. Also, ignore "Bonus DVD Offer" postcard that erroneously suggests the existence of an Unrated cut.)