Short Takes

Leave it to beloved breast auteur Fred Olen Ray to harness "technology secretly snuck out of the Soviet Union" to alert attention-deficited viewers of impending "bodacious boobular activity." That's right, The Hooter Horn is born! This Woop! Woop!-ing miracle of alternate audio gets quite a workout its maiden voyage with TWO THIRDS of the flick's running time devoted to various combinations of not-so-softcore canoodling. Fifties throwbacks Brad and Janet (Eric Warren and Beverly Lynne) find their knees-together romance complicated by the randifying powers of the Mystic Tiki of Wyamai. First, Brad's buxom Bikini A-Go-Go colleagues succumb (pornstars Stacy Burke and Cailey Taylor) and then his own shnookums GOES WILD with just about everyone but him! CineSchlocker goddess and Cinemax siren Nikki Fritz gulps scenery, and the loins of her Terminator-esque minion, as an asian (!?!) villainess determined to reclaim the idol no matter how many times or who she has to sleep with. Regrettably it's all too sleazy for the intentionally cornball yuks to comfortably coalesce. 12 breasts. Two corpses. Advanced lesbian AND hetro tongue rasslin. Hot-tub petting party. Desk chasing. Gratuitous pipe-puffing narrator. Self gratification. Ms. Burke speaks from professional experience when she coos: "You're the one who looks like you need a lube job and this is a full-service station!" (2004, 75 mins, Fullframe, DD 2.0, Silenceable Hooter Horn with intro, Trailer.)