Yes, Filthy McNastiest is indeed amazingly bad. But it's the sort of "bad" that's done on purpose, you see, because there's just something wonderful about watching the grainy home movies of total strangers who have a warped devotion to dick jokes and a nasty contempt for fat women. I'm sure Chris Seaver, creator of all things Filthy McNasty, would assume that I'm just missing the joke here. But I'm precisely the sort of nerdly movie geek he made this movie for ... and trust me when I tell you that there is no joke.

OK, just so you know how far these goofballs will go just to earn a few extra sales from the bargain bin, here's the plot of Filthy McNastiest:

A rather overweight slut breaks up with her boyfriend because he has a little weiner. So the boyfriend asks his witch pal if she can help him out. Witch Girl tries to summon a "sex demon," but nothing happens. But when she returns home, Witch Girl finds the Sex Demon all revved up and ready to go. The Sex Demon has sex with Witch Girl, and yanks out her intestines in the process. Fun!

Meanwhile, the loser guy wakes up with a 4-foot dildo hanging out of his boxer shorts. And he's just thrilled by this turn of events. Now he's sure to win back the heart of his exceedingly fat (and frequently topless) old girlfriend.

That's pretty much it, fellas. Sound like something you can't wait to rent? Knock yourself out; drop me an email if you want to apologize later.

It's not that Filthy McNastiest is nothing more than a few horrifically inept gore scenes surrounded by 45 interminable minutes of dick jokes. If there's an unpleasant way to describe penises, vaginas, feces, or the act of sexual congress, rest assured that these endlessly creative young filmmakers will find a way to say it ... about 11 times.

It's that everyone involved with a project like this knows they're making a truly awful movie ... and not only do they not care -- they just love it! If you could get the sense that there was any semblance of real effort or creativity here, you could overlook a lot of the other low-rent problems. But when you're watching something that was made bad on purpose, it really starts to grate on your nerves just a little.

If someone intentionally overcooked your cheeseburger, surely you'd just laugh and offer up a fart joke, right? Hey, that guy ruined your dinner -- on purpose! Hahaa! Or let's say your plumber decided to sabotage your toilet tank ... just because ineptness sure is CUTE, isn't it? Basically the McNasty gang have nothing but juvenile contempt for their audience, so I figure it's OK to give a little contempt back.

The point is this, and I'm talking to all 17 of you horror convention rejects who put Filthy McNastiest together, if you give your audience something that we ALL know is awful, that audience might just snap back and say, "Hey, screw you. Just because you guys had a royal hoot putting together your dorky little "horror movie," that doesn't make it something worthy of my attention. And my money? Don't even make me laugh." That these young filmmakers have a DVD studio willing to disseminate their efforts, and yet all they choose to produce is THIS ... well, let's just say I weep for all the unknown and sincere filmmakers out there.

Oh, included on the DVD is another full-length* feature entitled Filthy McNastier, which is about a sex demon who gives a flat-chested shrew the huge hooters she's been begging for. Cue dick joke.

* Both "movies" combined total less than 120 minutes. Keep that in mind should you somehow ever be in the position to purchase this DVD.

The DVD

Video: Grab the nearest Handycam and head on into your own backyard. Now start filming whatever you see. Swing the camera around, turn off the porch light, focus your lens on a chewed-up piece of dildo. There. You just experienced the visual side of Filthy McNastiest. Full Frame, to those who still care.

Audio: Is there something lower than DD 1.0? If so, that's what you get here. I've heard Abba 8-tracks that sound better than this.

Extras: McNastier offers an audio commentary from master filmmaker Chris Seaver, while McNastiest offers TWO commentaries: one with Seaver and leading lady Meredith Host, and the other with a whole room full of cast & crew members. Frankly, folks, life's just too short. But if you're the sort of horror fan who makes a beeline directly to the Filthy McNasty table at the horror cons, you'll have an absolute ball listening to this meaningless yap.

There's also a four-minute Introduction by Mr. Seaver and something called Teen Ape Love Doll Commercial, which is something I'm clearly too clueless to understand.

Final Thoughts

You might think I'm trashing this junk because it's nothing but a pile of limp dick jokes, atrocious shock-value stupidity, seamy misogyny, embarrassingly geeky movie references, and outlandishly inept gore sequences. But I'm not that stuffy. I hate this crap because it's not even meant to be funny to anyone outside of the cast and crew members. So if you weren't one of the 17 goofballs who worked on Filthy McNastiest - why would you even bother?

Hey, I have some 20-year-old home movies of me dressed up like Superman as I soar off of my next-door neighbor's clothesline and into a half-empty swimming pool. Anyone wanna pay 20 bucks to see it? I'll throw in a commentary track...