Look, I'm enough of a movie geek to know that you don't exactly anticipate B-level quality from director David DeCoteau. This is a guy who's directed over 50 movies since 1985, sometimes using one of his nine (!) different aliases. While David may have started out helming hellaciously silly stuff like Creepozoids and Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, his career pretty much went downhill from there.

And when you sink to a level below Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, well, you might want to consider a career in stereo sales.

OK, sure, D.D. had a few solid efforts sprinkled throughout the 90's, but that's only if you're the sort of genre nut who thinks Puppet Master 3: Toulon's Revenge, Petticoat Planet, and Beach Babes From Beyond worthy of the adjective "solid." (Oddly enough, most people do not.)

So I told you all that so I could tell you this: David DeCoteau is one of the more prolific schlock-shovelers of the past few decades, and even though his movies are almost irretrievably awful ... he's never made anything as bad as The Sisterhood. And that's like saying that McDonald's just gave your their greasiest burger ever made.

Allegedly about a sorority full of vampire vixens, The Sisterhood is, instead, a soft-core porno flick with zero nudity. Like, two girls in underwear will kiss each other and writhe around -- while the viewer is left wondering A) "I thought this was about vampires," and B) "Why aren't they taking their clothes off?". In all actuality, The Sisterhood looks like a Cinemax skin flick that, on a dare, tried to earn a PG-13 rating. Color me confused.

Basically, The Sisterhood is about vampires like Schindler's List has a Rob Schneider cameo. The movie is populated by attractive young Canadians who work cheap; the entire flick is swollen with cheap and pulsating rave music; aside from a prologue (that has nothing to do with the rest of the story), there are no victims ... and for a movie that has the word "vampire" plastered on the DVD case, there sure is an annoying shortage of bats, teeth, blood, and/or mayhem. The movie's just a bunch of girls sitting around and chatting bitchily; occasionally a man with no shirt will stop by and everyone makes out and goes grope-crazy with their clothes on.

If anyone can tell me who this movie was made for, aside from DVD critics with no life and the immediate relations of the amateur cast members, I'd sure love to know who it might be. It's not a horror movie; it's not a soft-core porn flick. The Sisterhood just sort of wavers in between, teasing you with all the pretty girls and an unceasing deluge of ineptitude.

The DVD

Video: According to the back of the DVD case, the 1.78:1 widescreen (anamorphic) transfer exists to replicate the film's "theatrical aspect ratio." As if this movie ever played anywhere outside of a DVD processing machine. Please.

Audio: Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo. Go nuts.

Extras: A handful of trailers for a variety of Image Entertainment discharges: The Sisterhood, The Hillz, Dunsmore, Lana's Rain, and Witches of the Caribbean. Hey, that last one sounds great!

Final Thoughts

When Spielberg makes a bad movie, it makes you think back to Jaws and Close Encounters. When David DeCoteau makes a bad movie, you think fondly upon Test Tube Teens From the Year 3000 and Sorority Succubus Sisters. And if a movie's so bad that it makes Dr. Alien look like a classic, well then you're probably halfway through The Sisterhood, and now would be a good time to run outside and scream really loud.