This, the fifth (and probably, thankfully, the last) of Dimension's Prophecy series, is just abysmal. A cinematic afterthought in every sense of the term, The Prophecy: Uprising starts wheezing right after the opening credits, and it doesn't stop until the completion of its 75-minute running time. (Rarely has 75 minutes felt so much like 75 hours.)

Starring precisely the sort of actors (Kari Wuhrer, Jason Scott Lee, Tony Todd, Jason London) you'd expect to find in the fourth consecutive direct-to-video sequel in a series that nobody even likes, TP: U is an airy and aimless half-bag of religious psycho-babble delivered by actors limited to one take apiece that rattles off the exact same "mystical book" mumbo-jumbo that populated the last entry. Some characters die, even more of 'em are resurrected, and literally every single one of 'em is required to spout dialogue so laughable that even a quality actor would have trouble saying it. (And keep in mind: this flick stars Kari Wuhrer.)

Perhaps I'm only shooting fish in the genre-barrel here, but I do consider myself a fan of low-budget schlock silliness ... but my most meager requirement is that I be, y'know, entertained. Just a little. Nothing of the sort happens in The Prophecy: Forsaken. Like, not even remotely. Kari has the magic book that evildoers want. Jason Scott Lee helps her to stay away from the bad guys. And then after about an hour, the villains find her, something stupid happens, and the end credits roll. So there; those of us who actually enjoyed the first two Prophecy films get to see this interminable saga slink to a close with no logic, no excitement, no style, and no fun.

And woe is the chintzy lil DTV sequel that can't even manage to entertain via camp value. This abbreviated little turkey is too endlessly drab, dry, and dreary to even deliver unintentional chuckles.

So there's one good thing about the dissolution of the Disney / Miramax marriage; we most likely won't get any more Prophecy or Hellraiser sequels. (We'd long since given up on getting quality sequels a long time ago.)

The DVD

Video: Sure, it's a Widescreen (1.85:1) Anamorphic transfer, but it's also one of the sketchiest, grungiest, and noise-covered movies I've seen in a long time. If one didn't know better, he (or she) would think that The Prophecy: Forsaken was originally produced in 1979 and that this was the absolute best they could do with the original negative. If, however, schlockster extraordinaire Joel Soisson intended to make the movie look as if it'd been shot from behind a curtain of gauze, then I apologize and retract the above complaints.

Audio: Dolby Digital 5.1, which means you'll hear the dialogue with perfect clarity before it soothes you into a coma in 17 minutes or less. Optional subtitles are available in English, Spanish, and French.

Extras: The mercifully stand-alone extra feature is a full-length audio commentary with writer/director Joel Soisson, editor Kirk Morri, FX designer, Gary Tunnicliffe, and production executive Nick Phillips. I listened just long enough to realize that the filmmakers somehow believe they've created something fairly entertaining, chuckled for a few minutes, and then flipped the Phillies game on. (It really is amazing to me how seriously these movies are taken by the commentators.) The DVD also opens with a pair of trailers for Mindhunters and Scary Movie 3.5: Unrated Edition.

Final Thoughts

Didn't the first few Prophecy movies have Christopher Walken in them? That seems like 400 years ago, doesn't it?