Inspired by the smash success of the low-minded (but funny) boob-fest known as Porky's, Canadian junk-dealer Rafal Zielinski slapped together a flick that makes Porky's look like Proust. It was called Screwballs and it was very, very awful. Loose Screws is the in-name-only sequel, and it's even worse.

Four absolute morons are forced to spend time at a sleepaway summer school filled with gorgeous blondes. I know, it makes no freaking sense, but hey, whatever it takes to get a bunch of bare, flopping boobies on the screen, eh fellas?

The idiots are: Brad Lovett (the cool one), Steve Hardman (the extra-horny one), Hugh G. Rection (the snivelling nerd), and Marvin Eatmore (the fat and disgusting one). The guys peep into windows, dress up in drag, poison the swimming pool with a formula that ... evaporates bathing suits? Whatever.

The background characters are called Tracy Greathead, Nikki Nystroke, Mona Lott, and Hilda Van Blow. Sad but true: these names are the funniest thing about Loose Screws.

I distinctly remember when the 1980s were awash with these "teen tittie" movies, and even back then my friends and I knew that most of 'em were so bad that the jiggle-bits weren't worth the torturous comedy shtick. And when a bunch of desperately breast-obsessed 14-year-olds refuse to watch a nudity-laced comedy because the movie stinks so darn bad, well, that's gotta tell you something.

Now after looking back over a movie this awful, I can assume that stuff like this simply wouldn't get made today, because nowadays you can see bare knockers by pushing three random buttons on your keyboard. And you don't have to sit through 78 minutes of pitiful comedy to get to 'em.

The DVD

Video: Full frame and fugly.

Audio: Dolby Digital 2.0. The flick sounds like it was recorded from inside the Holland Tunnel.

Extras: Mercifully, not a one.

Final Thoughts

For a movie to aspire to the greatness of Porky's, well, that's an indication of some filmmakers not working very hard. Loose Screws doesn't even work as nostalgia, because it'll just have you cringing, depressed that you're subjecting yourself to garbage this ripe.