If they care anything about the outlets they write for and the kind people who read their work, film critics generally try to deliver a half-decent "word count" every time out. Sometimes it's no fun to find 825 words on the latest Martin Lawrence comedy, but professionalism dictates that a movie review should be appreciably longer than this:

"This movie stunk and there's really nothing more to say about it. Go read a book or play some video games or something."

But once in a great while a movie comes along and, as one watches it he finds himself thinking, "Geez. Reviewing this movie would be like describing air. There's just nothing here." Such was my experience a few hours ago when I was about halfway through the generic blandness known as Second to Die.

Yes it stars former Playboy Bunny Erika Eleniak, and yes it has a scene in which her breasts are displayed prominently -- but if that's all a movie needs to get your seven dollars, I think you might need to go read a book or play some video games or something.

Here's an interactive game we can play together. I'll say a few phrases and you try to piece them together and make the movie inside your brain. Ready?

1. Insurance Policy.

2. Abused Wife.

3. Adultery.

4. Nosy cops.

5. Erika Eleniak.

From this point on, you could write the official DVDTalk review of Second to Die, starring John Wesley Shipp, Paul Winfield, Colleen Camp, Jerry Kroll, Kimberly Rowe, Margaret Avery, and that pretty blonde Eleniak chick who never fails to bare the boobs, thereby explaining why she continues to find employment.

Second to Die isn't even soft-core sex-laden enough to quality as a Cinemax Special; it's more concerned with doling out its endless parade of stock characters, twists, and conversations than anything else, which makes it more of a 3am Showtime Channel special than anything else.

The DVD

Video: Full screen and fairly watchable.

Audio: Dolby Digital Stereo, with optional Spanish subtitles.

Extras

Some pointless filmographies and some trailers for Shakedown, Facing the Enemy, Second to Die, and Avalanche Alley.

Final Thoughts

Eleniak enthusiasts will have to own it, I'm sure, but I can't imagine anyone else who'd sit through the whole thing.