It's an inexplicable phenomenon, not at all unlike the 'which came first, the chicken or the egg?' brain-twister: Why do movies as bad as Big Momma's House 2 get made? Well, because moviegoers will pay to see it, that's why. But why do the moviegoers pay to see it? Simply because it exists, that's why.

I hate to get overly philosophical in my reviews, especially when we're dealing with a witless, worthless, mirthless piece of crap that stars not only the stunningly unfunny Martin Lawrence, but the stunningly unfunny Martin Lawrence in drag and a fat-suit ... but I simply have nowhere to go with my analysis of Big Momma's House 2. To these eyes, a movie like this represents the very lowest form of filmmaking imaginable. Guys who direct snuff flicks in the slums of Khazakstan probably look at Big Momma's House 2 and think "Hey, I'm not such a terrible filmmaker after all!"

Sequel that no one asked for to an original that no one likes, Big Momma's House 2 is, quite simply, so atrocious that it depresses me. The movie's "about" a moronic FBI agent who goes undercover as a fat nanny in an effort to uncover something or spy on someone else. The plot matters not one fermented whit -- not to you, not to the filmmakers, and especially not to shameless camera hog Martin Lawrence, who (after a string of flops like Rebound, National Security, and Black Knight) decided the only way to keep the mortgage paid was to leech on to former successes. Bad Boys 2 and Big Momma's House 2 made solid money, but those series won't last forever ... thank god.

The plot is casually forgotten about whenever Martin waddles his way into another "uproarious" adventure. Oh, look! Fat Suit on the beach! I'm actively chuckling! Whoa, Fat Suit dances silly! Giggle! Oh, oh, now it's Fat Suit in a spa! OMG, he jumps in the mud, lol! Aw look, Fat Suit is being sweet to the kids. Snif. Oh wait, it's over? Good.

So in Part 2, Fat Suit Cross Dresser moves in with a tighty-whitey family in an effort to thwart some bad guys, which results in 90-some minutes of fat jokes, toddler slapstick, and Martin Lawrence at his most overwhelmingly obnoxious. He's the guy at the office party who makes all the beat box noises and dances around the room while everyone chuckles politely and rolls their eyes when he's not looking. Truly, the only living person who could look Lawrence in the eye and say "yes, Big Momma's House 2 is a very funny film," is a guy who's hoping to brown-nose his way into a co-producer credit on Big Momma's House 3.

Right about here is where I'd probably mention one or two unexpectedly funny sequences or a handful of character actors who manage to bring some light to this brain-stabbingly inept piece of moviemaking ... but I can't think of one. There's certainly no laughs in the movie that I can recall, and the background actors are presented as extra-banal -- so as to give Lawrence the only possible spotlight. If you've ever been curious to see what Pure Misguided Ego, Captured on Celluloid looks like, look no further than Big Momma's House 2.

Directed with all the style of a Christmas pageant at the "special" school, and written with all the creativity that can be mustered by someone hell-bent on simply plagiarizing Uncle Buck, Kindergarten Cop, and The Pacifier, Big Momma's House 2 is a drop-dead awful piece of certifiable studio swill. The fact that it grossed nearly 70 million bucks simply boggles my mind. If you were among those who paid to see BM2 during its theatrical run, you officially lose the right to complain about "all these crappy Hollywood sequels." Forever.

(Note: For years I was one of those guys who argued with people that Martin Lawrence IS funny. I thought his sitcom had some solid bits, and that his stand-up material was pretty darn funny. Those opinions dried up right around a movie called Blue Streak, and they're never coming back.)

The DVD

Video: The "movie" is presented in your choice of fullscreen or anamorphic widescreen (1.85:1). Picture quality is fine, as if a movie from 2006 has any excuse not to look good on DVD.

Audio: Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround, Spanish 2.0 Surround, or French Dolby Surround. Optional subtitles are available in English and Spanish ... as if there's anything worth reading in this blatantly abysmal screenplay.

Extras

Perhaps a visit with the feature-length audio commentary (director John Whitesell, producer David Friendly, actor Zachary Levi) would help me to better appreciate the cinematic merits found within Big Momma's House 2. I'll have to live the rest of my life without knowing.

Also included are 12 deleted/extended scenes with optional commentary, but really; life's just too damn short. Big Momma's Secrets is an 8-minute look at the fat suit effects. Plus there are trailers for Big Momma's House 2, Phat Girlz, and Little Manhattan.

Final Thoughts

Normally I'd just give the DVD our standard rating of Skip It, but I find that Martin Lawrence and his progressively worsening films have become so harrowingly insufferable that I'd go as far as to create an all-new designation: Burn It