I can only imagine how tough it must have been to be a film critic back in the mid-1980s. Oh sure we get tons of really crappy comedies nowadays, but there was one specific movie trend in the '80s that must have caused at least one movie critic to quit his job and become a tax accountant.

The trend to which I am referring is, of course, the teen-sex romp. Kick-started by titles like Porky's, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and The Last American Virgin, the teen-sex romp sub-genre yielded dozens of chintzy, witless, worthless movies, none of which delivered any real laughs -- but most of which were packed with wall-to-wall hooters.

Once in a while one of these flicks would arrive and (although we didn't know it at the time) include an early appearance from someone destined for big-time stardom. And this explains why, on your next visit to your favorite DVD shop, you might see a very youthful Johnny Depp anchoring the cover of something called Private Resort.

Ignore that impulse that says "Hey, Johnny Depp is cool! I'll rent this!" because in the grand pantheon of mid-'80s teen-sex romps, Private Resort is certainly one of the very worst -- and if it's not one of the most painfully unfunny example that the sub-genre had to offer, then it's certainly par for the course. And that's more than bad enough.

Two young and horny guys (Johnny Depp and Rob Morrow!) wander around a Florida resort, stopping occasionally to ogle a pair of bare knockers, befuddle a moronic jewel thief (Hector Elizondo!), and avoid a hulking idiot (Andrew Dice Clay!)

That's pretty much it, plotwise, which could be forgiven if the movie offered just a small handful of creative gags or snappy one-liners. Alas, no, Private Resort is Hardbodies 2 bad, only it's really stingy with the female flesh ... which kinda makes one wonder why it was even made in the first place.

OK, I'll give the flick one gold star, and here's why: If your last goal in life is to see the unfettered funbags of Ms. Leslie Easterbrook (a.k.a. Police Academy's Sergeant Callahan), then here's your chance. It's kinda sad that those boobies are the only worthwhile asset to be found in all of Private Resort's 82 minutes ... but they are pretty large breasts.

The DVD

Video: It's a fairly sketchy-looking anamorphic widescreen (1.85:1) transfer. (Did this flick ever play a theatrical run?)

Audio: Dolby Digital 2.0 (English, French, Portuguese), with optional subtitles in English, French, Portuguese, Japanese, and Spanish.

Extras: Nada. Flick doesn't even warrant a menu screen, apparently.

Final Thoughts

Prior to his breakout role in Platoon, Johnny Depp paid his dues in a horror flick and a sex comedy. The good news is that the horror flick was the original Nightmare on Elm Street, so there's certainly nothing to be embarrassed about on that front. On the other hand, the sex comedy is an aggressively obnoxious and laugh-free stupid-fest that Mr. Depp will probably cringe at the next time he's walking through his favorite DVD shop.