Ugly, incredibly stupid and painful to watch.

It's not much of a blurb, but if there were truth in advertising, the aforementioned description would be emblazoned on all DVD packages for Repos, a beyond-abysmal comedy about a day in the life of two car repo men.

The threadbare storyline, which seems to be made up while the camera rolls, concerns two thoroughly unlikable repo men, Tea (rap mogul Master P) and Coffee (Michael Blackson), partners who work for a blowhard named Mr. Henderson (a moderately amusing Katt Williams).

Shot on video, Repos follows the pair as they rush to set a single-day car-repossession record, a feat that will snag them a healthy cash bonus from Mr. Henderson. Coffee, who is African, kicks things off by repoing the auto of his adoptive mother.

Coffee and Tea repo more cars. Then they repo some more. And then some more -- just in case you were away from the TV and forgot what it is that these guys do for a living.

Somewhere along the way, the pair repossesses a truck where $1 million in diamonds are stashed in the glove compartment. Back at Henderson's lot, the jewels are discovered by another employee, Tick Tock (Anthony Johnson), who promptly pockets the loot, steals the truck and quits his job. Mr. Henderson dispatches Coffee and Tea to reclaim the truck.

The alleged humor stems from an astonishingly moronic stable of caricatures that lampoon gangstas, fat women, homosexuals, Asians and the like. And none of it is even remotely funny.

There isn't much else worth noting about this straight-to-video dud. The filmmakers (a word we're using liberally here) reveal no sense of pace, comic timing or even much of an idea about camera placement. In the realm of gangsta rap, Master P -- who co-wrote and co-directed Repos with Sal Martino -- has tapped a raw, do-it-yourself aesthetic that has served him well over the years. Movies, however, might be an entirely different matter.

Shown in nonanamorphic 1.78:1, the picture quality is low-rent all the way: flat, soft image and nonexistent lighting. All around poor.

The Dolby Digital 2.0 is overmodulated and periodically muffled. Still, you'll be able to make out Coffee's generous use of the word "motherfucker," which accounts for about 30 percent of the dialogue.

A merciful God has rejected additional bonuses that would unduly lengthen the DVD experience.

Life's too short. If you are chomping at the bit for a comedy about repo men, try Repo Man.