Imagine that your local church group somehow sat down and watched Saw, only to come out the other side not offended or infuriated by the wholesale meanness, torture, and despair -- but actively interested in making their own version! Yes, a mildly bible-thumping but clearly "Christian" version of Saw that steals everything from the premise to the flashback structure, only to leave behind the violence, excitement, and creativity of the "infamous" horror flick.

I'll be brutally frank: I watched much of Evil Behind You with my jaw set on full slack. The thing would be hilarious if it weren't so aggressively boring and inept, but here's what I was able to discern as the "plot" of this truly bizarre amalgam of torture-style horror, New Testament peachifying, and astonishingly bad filmmaking:

Two young women awaken trapped inside a grungy room. Over on some gurneys are four handcuffed men; two of 'em are strangers and the other two are the boyfriends of the captive cuties. (Well, one of 'em is cute, anyway.) Turns out that each of these chicks has a personality trait; one is kind and warm and forgiving, while the other is mean-spirited and petulant and spiteful. Meanwhile the two bed-bound boyfriends do nothing but lie there and whine for about an hour. (Seriously, an hour.) Occasionally we'll be treated to a pointless flashback explaining our characters' problems and such, but none of 'em are more interesting than, say, a TV commercial for Hallmark Cards.

After a while we learn that the keening fools are being held captive by ... Islamic terrorist/scientists? WTF is going on here? This is what happens when you run Saw through the fundamentalist wringer? Yeah, apparently these terrorist scientist heathen bastards have figured out a way to bring some very unconvincing demons to our dimension, and they need these Christian test subjects because, um, yeah I just have no idea what the hell's going on in this thing. Meningitis injections are somehow involved.

Anyway, putting aside any and all things dealing with religion -- Evil Behind You is one of the worst freakin' horror flicks ... sure, why not ... one of the worst horror flicks I've ever seen. The set is a warehouse, the actors are entirely bereft of talent, the story makes no sense, and (honestly) I'll be stunned if you can make it past the first 40-some minutes. The thing starts out fun-bad, kind of like a novelty, but then gradually turns into a certifiable chore of biblical proportions.

But hey, now I know the answer to the question "What would a Christian version of Saw look like?" Up until a few hours ago, I would have never even considered asking such a question.

The DVD

Video: It's widescreen and entirely watchable, but the transfer belies the inordinately tiny budget. (Which could be forgiven if the story were worth a damn.)

Audio: Dolby Digital 5.1, and you'll need the whole soundtrack to appreciate the screenwriting magic that's on display here.

Extras: Just a 20-minute featurette called The Making of Evil Behind You, which is a tour of the set given by a god-approved rocker-type dude. Director Jim Carroll and various actors babble about the production, too. Also included are a pair of trailers.

Final Thoughts

As a horror film, this is the pinnacle of ineptitude. As a religious lesson, it's base, maudlin, silly, obvious, and even a little offensive. (Oh, but only if you're a person with brown skin.)