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The second installment from the Private Screening Collection, a little seen late-night cable-feature titled Christina (1984), offers a storyline that can quickly give you a headache of paramount proportions:
Christina Von Belle (Jewel Shephard) is a wealthy young heiress known as "The Playgirl Of The Western World". She is also beautiful to look at and as we soon discover with a ferocious sex appetite. (Un)fortunately she is kidnapped by an evil gang of lesbian-commandos (!), led by no other than ex-mainstream-turned-adult starlet Karin Schubert (Black Emmanuelle), who take on the difficult task of satisfying Christina's carnal yearnings. In the meantime the kidnappers also demand a large amount of money from their victim's family.
After a series of steamy action scenes Christina finally manages to escape the lesbian-commandos only to fall into the hands of a second gang of...gourmet chefs who not so surprisingly want a piece of the ransom as well!!
Now...where to begin with this one!
I suppose just by reading the plot description above you already have a pretty good idea what Christina's creators were attempting to achieve – a stylish, entertaining, cable production. Or that is what I think they were after as quite honestly I have no idea what else to make out of this turkey!
What Christina turned out to be however is something rather different – an incoherent mess of a film full of laughable lines, terrible acting, mind-boggling camera work, and some flat-out lame sex scenes. On top of everything else there is also a large amount of abrupt cuts here that in my opinion rival what an amateur would create not a "film-director".
This being said I do not think that there is any need to deconstruct Christina any further. No matter how you twist the story, or the acting behind it, this is one horrifically looking film with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. What a kitsch!!
How Does the DVD Look?
Presented in an aspect ratio of 1.33:1 the film looks murky, revealing a faded color scheme, and some occasional print damage. Once again I have every reason to believe that an analog master has been used as the video quality is slightly better than that of a VHS.
How Does the DVD Sound?
Presented with an English mono track, which de facto appears to be a dub-voiceover as the original track is in Spanish, Christina does not really reveal any major issues of concern. The dub is passable as the dialog is easy to understand. To sum it all up this is an average presentation which should allow you to enjoy the film if you are brave enough to endure it.
Absolutely nothing, not even a trailer.
Watching Christina felt as if someone had put a large mixer in my head! For ninety minutes!! There is a certain genre where such erotic productions have their tiny niche but believe me this one will definitely have a hard time finding willing spectators.