Ahh, The Other Side of Midnight. They don't make 'em like that anymore. And halleluiah.

Based on Sidney Sheldon's 1974 runaway bestseller, this notorious schlockfest follows the travails of beautiful and ruthless Noelle Page (Marie-France Pisier). Europe is on the brink of World War II, and our doe-eyed French ingénue is sent by her father to work in a Marseilles dress shop despite her inexperience. After the lecherous proprietor (Sorrell Booke, better known as Boss Hogg from TV's "The Dukes of Hazzard") slides his grubby little hand up Noelle's skirt, she flees home in tears -- only to discover that she's been pimped out by dear old dad. "You have beauty. It's your only weapon of survival," Noelle's father advises her. "Use it. Let the hand under your dress wear gold and you'll be that much ahead of the game." With writing like that, you know you're in for trashy goodness.

Noelle then heads to Paris and is subsequently courted by Larry Douglas (John Beck), a womanizing American pilot serving in Britain's Royal Air Force. "This is the boy, there is the girl -- how will it all turn out?" Larry asks rhetorically, unveiling one of the clumsiest come-on lines in recorded history. The couple's lovemaking is followed by an inadvertently hilarious montage in which director Charles Jarrott (who also gave the world the famously crummy 1973 musical version of Lost Horizon) lets the lovers engage in a whirlwind romance replete with caricaturists, shaving-cream fights and, yes, even frolicking in the woods.

The fun abruptly ends when Larry heads back to England, leaving Noelle heartbroken and knocked up. What's a girl to do? Noelle aborts the pregnancy herself with the help of a wire hanger, a trauma that transforms her into a manipulative bitch-goddess who sleeps her way to stardom as a movie actress.

It's all part of Noelle's master plan to exact revenge on Larry, who has long since returned to America and married a ditzy public relations specialist, Catherine Alexander (Susan Sarandon). From across the Atlantic, Noelle bribes airline execs to ensure that Larry cannot find post-war work as a pilot. She then hooks up with a Greek billionaire (Raf Vallone) and asks moneybags for her very own private plane. Guess who she wants to help her fly the friendly skies.

It's tough to take a critical eye to this nearly three-hour celebration of bloated melodrama. At the time of its 1977 release, Newsweek's Jack Kroll opined that The Other Side of Midnight "is the kind of movie that gives trash a bad name." Perhaps. Approached in the proper spirit, however, this sleaze can be damned amusing. After all, you've got murder, infidelity, revenge, globetrotting locations, bad French accents, bearskin rugs, a giant backgammon board, genitals seductively doused in ice cubes and a do-it-yourself abortion. And through it all, Michel Legrand's musical score is cheesy enough to attract mice.

There is precious little of value here -- unless you count a bedraggled Susan Sarandon running around in a see-through nightgown during a rainstorm. Dialogue is often atrocious. Jarrott imbues the movie with the look and feel of a low-rent soap opera. And despite some quality actors, the performances are as clunky as the seemingly interminable pace. John Beck is especially horrible as Larry, turning this ostensible Lothario into an A-class doofus.

If not for its deadening length, The Other Side of Midnight has the hallmarks of being a guilty pleasure. And it is -- up to a point. But at 167 minutes, that's a lotta guilty pleasure.

Shown in 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen, the DVD's print transfer is generally good, although the color palette is a bit washed-out and there are stretches of noise and slight grain. Somehow the flaws odd to the lovable Seventies-era cheesiness.

Viewers can select between Dolby Digital 2.0 and Dolby mono. Both are flat, but get the job done. A mono track is also available in Spanish, with subtitles in English, Spanish and French.

The commentary is actually a discussion in which film historian and DVD producer Laurent Bouzereau conducts separate interviews with Other Side of Midnight author Sidney Sheldon (who died earlier this year), director Charles Jarrott and producer Frank Yablans. All the interviews have their charms, although the three interview subjects seem blithely unaware of how awful this movie is.

The DVD also includes a photo gallery and a so-bad-it's-great theatrical trailer.

As lurid trash goes, The Other Side of Midnight is a true heavyweight. But its epic length -- the movie clocks in at nearly three hours -- can test even the most dedicated junk aficionado.