Can we all agree that when we see "National Lampoon" in front of something anymore, we all groan and then look away to think wistfully of Animal House and European Vacation?

Van Wilder was OK and Vegas Vacation had some funny moments, but the death knell is here.

Nikki Ziering, who is either best known for being a Playboy Playmate or once being married to Beverly Hills 90210's Ian Ziering, "hosts" National Lampoon's Spring Break.

The problem with this movie is that there is no movie here. There are tiny retarded vignettes that add up to a small retarded story, but they are interspersed around Girls Gone Wild rejected footage taken on the National Lampoon's all-inclusive Spring Break vacation.

Ziering introduces segments in various states of undress, at once telling us not to look as she takes off her top and then returning in a mesh shirt that clearly shows her breasts. If it was part of an absurdist joke, it might be funny. Sadly, it's just another bit of filler to pad out the excruciatingly long 70 minute running time.

Three parties are going on simultaneously in Cabo san Lucas, Las Vegas and Padre Island and Nikki introduces each segment either with a lame joke or just by saying, "Let's see what's going on in Vegas."

Unfortunately, when she does throw to Vegas, viewers might have to sit through some of the most painful "comedy" around in micro-skits about Brian and Diego – two losers having a crappy Spring Break in America's playground.

They take a secret entrance to an exclusive party that no one is attending. Wah-wah-waaaaaaah. They go to the pool, but it's cold outside and no one is there. Wah-wah-waaaaaaah. I honestly don't know if it's just bad writing or if they didn't want to have to pay extras scale.

In the non-scripted scenes, we're treated to people drinking and flashing the camera and that staple of having a good time, yelling out the name of the place that you are. "Padre Spring Break 2006 WOOOOOOOO!"

If you want to see a pair of breasts, there are so many better ways to see them than to sit through this awful, awful disc. Jim Belushi is puking in his grave right now. Thanks, Nikki Ziering.

But don't just blame "the talent." There's actually a credited writer on this piece of crap. Toni Petinunas, wherever you are, put down the pen. This world doesn't need any more from you.

The Picture

The picture is full frame and looks like it was filmed with a Web cam. And not a good Web cam, either. Shockingly, the worst looking segments are the Brian and Diego "comedy" bits, where you'd think the cameraman would have the best equipment and control over conditions during the shoot.

The Sound

The audio is 2.0 stereo and it still doesn't work. Wind whistles through the scripted scenes and Nikki's introductions.

The Extras

There's a behind the scenes featurette about Nikki Ziering's day at the beach filming. Guess what? It was cold. And Nikki's not as nice when she doesn't know she's on camera.

Parting Thoughts...

Skip It. Skip It. Skip It. Dear God, why won't you Skip It. National Lampoon's Spring Break is the sort of crap that makes National Lampoon's Gold Diggers look like high art. Do yourself and anybody who might walk by the TV when this DVD is on and Skip It.